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People that don’t know, or have not felt that raw sense of loss might argue this. I feel only first hand experience can reveal the intensity of that emotion to a person. Many of us have lost someone or something we loved and cherished at some point in our lives, and we would agree that it is no joke at all.
That heart ripping, soul wrenching, spirit weakening feeling is LOSS; where you feel like something has been taken away from you. That feeling of emptiness like a void that looks like it can never be filled.
We might entangle this feeling with when our hearts get broken by someone we love so deeply, or when said people leave our lives, although knowing that these people are still there, at least the exist is a lot better than knowing that you will never see them again. So you can’t even apologize if you had done anything to the person, or forgive and make amends if the person had offended you.
I lost my favourite uncle a couple of years back. Scratch that, he was my favourite relative. From my dad’s side at least. I think the fact that I was so enthralled by him was cause he was basically the black sheep of the family. The rest of his siblings had become doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs…. Basically they had all made it, or at least were making it in their different fields, but he was just there, without a job and living with us.
I guess I didn’t mind because he was the most intelligent person I’d ever met. I remember the countless times I’d brought my assignments to him, no matter what subject it was, he’d always have the right answers to them. I would read my math problems out, and the second I was done, he would deliver the answer. Unsurprisingly, he had never been wrong in any of the math problems.
He’d write essays, articles, stories fit for newspaper publications, but would never do anything with them. Just leaving them piled on his desk. When I asked why, he would just smile and say ”Soon”. Needless to say , I was always in his company. I loved intelligent minds, and he was such a mountain of intellectual wealth that I always had a little notepad beside me when I was with him, jotting down new words that never ended.
But I guess even the best of us have flaws and weaknesses. And he was no exception. ALCOHOL. He was usually not the nicest of persons during those times, and his binges usually lasted days, leaving him wasted on his the couch a lot (the days he came back home that is). I knew he was a good person but I guess the frustrations and disappointments of life threw him so down, he didn’t want to stand up anymore.
Then one day he came back from somewhere, entered his room and came back out to the living room, fuming. He asked why his clothes hadn’t been loaded in the washing machine. I was genuinely surprised because he usually told us that his clothes should only be taken out for laundry when he was around so we wouldn’t mix things up and all.
But the thing is, I was already in a very foul mood. So instead of answering calmly, I flared up and said things I can barely recall now, but I know they weren’t that nice. His slurred speech was an indication that he wasn’t okay but I’d already said mean things. So he stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
That was the last time I saw him.
My parents came back with tears brimming in their eyes, and somehow I just knew he was no more. Apparently he had an accident while crossing the road and a car slammed into him. He died at the spot.
I was inconsolable. Loss feels worse when you know you never had the chance to make amends with the person you lost, especially if you had a row just before. I blamed myself for what happened for a long time. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat and was almost diagnosed with anorexia.
I’d run into the room he usually stayed in, smiling about some new, challenging assignment I had for him. Then I’d notice the empty room and remember he was no more. I would start weeping again. It took months of counselling to stop pegging myself as the reason he died. I stopped blaming myself and finally succeedeYd in putting it all behind me, at least to a great extent.
Losing someone doesn’t signal the end of the world. I take seriously that common, though cliché consolation that ”if he were here, he would never have wanted you feeling like this.” I guess hearing that makes me feel better. Losses are deep, wounding, and almost hard to recover from at times. But with a conscious effort to accept and let go, we can most definitely deal with it.
Thank you all for reading.
Love,
Jhymi🖤
