I have been back in 🇺🇸'MuRica for one year now, and I have completely failed to readjust to 🇺🇲American society😔 and I even feel that God must be punishing me by making me both white and an 🇺🇸, because I really do not like or identify with either one.🦊
I am an 🚫expat🇺🇸. An expat is anyone who no longer lives in their own country. My path to becoming an expat (or an OG-PassportBro) began in the late 1980s, with my love and obsession for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ❤️🐢. The turtles were ninjas because their sensei, Master Splinter, was once a 🇯🇵Japanese man named Hamato Yoshi who was betrayed and had to flee to the sewers of NYC. Back then we did not have the internet, and I had never met any 🇯🇵Japanese people, but the media made 🇯🇵Japan look like a magical place full of dojos, karate, and ninjas. So when it came time to choose a foreign language in high school, I naturally chose Japanese❤️🇯🇵.
When I joined the 🇺🇸army🪖, I did not have any expectations other than getting the GI Bill so I could go to college, but I got lucky. One day, when I was supposed to be cleaning, I was avoiding my duty by hiding in the latrine. My platoon leader figured out what I was doing, because I was on "THE LIST". I did not know what "the list" was about. He said the 🎖Sergeant Major wanted everyone on "the list" to see him.
It turned out to be all the other, smart-ass-lazy-slacker-no-good-privates, just like me. Oh no, I thought, we are in real trouble! When we went to the meeting, he told us that our command had chosen us to study a foreign language at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California, and that I would be studying 🇹🇭Thai.
They say there are three great ways to learn a foreign language fast. The first and best way is to join the 🪖army in that language's country. The second is to go to jail there and the third is to get married. (As a person who has done all three, I prefer the third option.)
After I 🎓graduated from the lovely language school, my unit sent me to interpret for 🐍Cobra Gold. 🐍Cobra Gold is a blast! (If you're 🇺🇲military and ever get the chance to go, you'll know what i mean.) Every year the 🇺🇸United States military and the 🇹🇭Thais train together in the 🌴jungle🌴. It was a total blast, and it was the first time I ever left 🇺🇲 North America. I cannot describe the joy and fun I had leaving the country and using my language skills for the first time. I absolutely feel head over heels in love with 🇹🇭Thailand, so I left the 🚫🪖army, sold all my things on eBay, and bought a one-way ticket to 🇹🇭Thailand!
🇹🇭Thailand in 2001 was totally different. It's still awesome today, but it was better back then, because the 💾internet💾 had not really shown up that much yet, and 🇹🇭Thailand was not such a tourist trap as it is now. My eighteen years in 🇹🇭Thailand could not possibly be put into words here, but I promise you it was a wild and amazing time ;)
I thought I would live in 🇹🇭Thailand until forever, but then I discovered 🇱🇦Laos. I had been there before to do visa runs, but that is just the capital city of Vientiane, and not the real 🇱🇦Laos. I did not discover the real 🇱🇦Laos until I found Luang Prabang. If you read any of my past posts on Hive or @TravelFeed, you will know that the beauty of Luang Prabang was all I posted about for years.
Time to come back...
When I went to the 🇺🇸American Embassy to get my daughter her American birth certificate, they said I could not pay for it in 🚫💵cash, only with an 💳ACH transfer. How the flying fuck was I supposed to do that when I have been gone for decades? I did not even have a driver's license, so I had no choice but to fly back and get all shit so she could have 🇺🇸 citizenship.
I really did not want to come here, and I cannot wait to leave, especially 🌧Seattle🌧, but re-🇺🇸Americanizing myself and getting caught up on how to talk and act has honestly been difficult.
Being gone a quarter century really does give you a strange, straight-out-of-prison kind of feeling, like Demolition Man, or Tulsa King. Some of the words I said, and the way I expressed myself, were straight out of the 90s, and it really upset a lot of people.
I have a deep, strong voice. I have found that a strong voice gets things done, but somewhere along the way, while I was gone, people started speaking more softly and gently. I try to do the same, but I still like the way I talk: overly loud and confident.
Transportation in Asia is easy. If you have been there, you know what I mean. 🇺🇸Americans are 🚗car crazy🤪 ,but if you do not have a 🚗, It's truly hard to get places fast.
One thing I have completely failed to re-🇺🇲Americanize is following the 🚦stop lights. Once I realized the 👮♂️cops do not give a fuck, I started breaking all the rules and just doing whatever I want. If some lady yells at me for riding on the sidewalk, I will smile and say, "Ok, Karen."🖕
The food here is horrible!!! I am sorry if you are an 🇺🇸American like me and my words offend you, but 🇺🇸American food is bad. It tastes like 💩, makes you fat, and it is way too expensive. (I call it cancer food.) I noticed that all of my family and friends looked way older than and were all fat as shit. What is up with that? I am not in the best shape in the 🌏world, but when I first arrived in 🌧Seattle🌧 last year, I weighed only 180 pounds, and I quickly gained 30 pounds. I got as big as 210 pounds, and I remember my gut got so big that I could no longer put on my 🚫👞shoes. By 🎃Halloween👻 which just passed, I finally got back to 180, but it took all summer of going to the gym and riding my bike, as well as eating only 🇹🇭Thai and 🇲🇽Mexican food. So I cannot say I have re-🇺🇸Americanized myself food wise. The food just don't taste like home in 🇱🇦Laos.
I wear flip flops. I ❤️ flip flops. They keep your feet from getting stinky, and you never get athlete's foot with flip flops, but Americans are overly obsessed with shoes. I have been turned away from many places and rejected many times for wearing flip flops, even though I was otherwise well dressed. Fortunately, this problem was solved by buying steel toe boots for work and some Nikes or Adidas for going out. But what is up with 🇺🇸Americans and their shoes? I still think the whole shoe obsession is strange, but like whatever, man.
When I left, a candy bar was less than a 💲dollar, and sodas were about the same price, but I was totally shocked to see them for over 💲3 dollars! Do not even get me started on the price of 🍺beer. Since there is nothing I can do about it, I simply stopped eating and drinking that stuff.
I came back here just as The 🌧Seattle🌧 🦅Seahawks🦅 won the 🏆Super Bowl so I thought maybe coming here would change my bad luck, but bad shit has just kept coming my way ALL year! I hope 2027 is a better and more hopeful year than this challenging time...
Well thank you for reading about my attempt to become a yank again. I don't know if my story was interesting for you, but it felt therapeutic to write down my frustrations and failures with ya'll on 🐝Hive here today. Be safe.