Is it seasonal depression?
All I know is when the leaves die and fall to the ground to decompose, my mental health inevitably decomposes along with them. We decay more and more together the further we plunge into winter.
March has always been the hardest; the blooming outdoor life I love has been cold and gray for nearly half a year, and my mind limps slowly, sluggishly, nearly unable to see springs light bleeding through.
In winter I crumble and fall, and not in a poetic way—into spending weeks in bed because I can’t handle this. Deep misery settles into my bones and no amount of positive affirmations or therapy can make up for the hours and hours of sun on my skin and fruit in my mouth sprouts under my hands and dirty fingernails pasting scrapes and breathless waterfall plunges of spring and summer.
In winter, part of me seems to die. So this year? I said fuck that and ran away to Maui. I have officially confirmed the theory that I have the strength to keep blazing, learning and producing so long as I am supported by weather that buoys me up instead of knocking & holding me down.
Yes, I’m 5000 miles away from home. Yes, there are some pretty significant stressors associated with life here. but I’m not sliding into a pit of depression like I normally am this time of year; I’m actually really happy!
yes, I miss home and my family some, but not enough to go back.
Let the hellish freezer-like months pass while I’m in paradise & I’ll be home to bloom in spring.
For now, I bloom here in Maui.
