I am very sorry that you have to face such a difficult situation. All those questions, doubts, and fears are valid, and although I have not been through anything like this, I can imagine 1% of what you must be feeling. I wish with all my heart that you can continue to be the strong girl you have shown yourself to be so far. I was glad to read in your lines that despite this mountain of negative emotions and fear, you are thinking about what to do to improve, to get out of this. This is sure to be another one of those experiences that will make you more empathetic, stronger, and nobler. Although we don't know each other, I send you a big hug and my sincere hope that you will receive the right treatment and that soon this will be just that, an experience.