So….how do I start this? Perhaps there is no easy way to say this other than direct: I have breast cancer. I have found out this last week. I still feel like I am living in a sort of a movie in which I received a role I did not cast for.
I still smiled when I was preparing for the biopsy procedure as I was still hopeful that I would be okay"
After I woke up and saw the little patch reality struck me: maybe, just maybe, there is a probability that this could in fact happen to me?
It all began in the month of April this year. I felt a little lump, the size of a pea, under the skin at the top of my left breast. I completely forgot about it and told to myself that it might be something harmless like a cyst or some fat accumulation. My medical ignorance was casually leading me cheerfully through life.
Then life happened. This part of my story might seem odd and completely just like in a Hollywood movie. For you to understand how miraculous it is that I have found out that I have breast cancer I must take you a bit deeper in my past.
I have been painting since I was six years old. I never pursued arts because my family told me it would be a waste of time and that artists never make money. I continued to paint and bury my dream.
In April I was dating someone. We had plans to move to another town and my heart sparked with joy when I found out that in that city there was also an art university. Feeling so happy about it I shared it to my then partner. He did not seem to understand my enthusiasm and with a harsh voice and blunt attitude he dismissed my dream. Again. Something in my heart broke in that day so bad that it literally physically hurt. I cried. I felt an ache in my heart. I then shared my dream to pursue arts to one of my family members. I received the same blunt and harsh response: it is a stupid idea to pursue arts at my age – 35. I came back home crushed. I cried again. I sat on my knees, tears falling on my cheecks, put my hands together and started praying to Holy Mary. I asked for something from the Universe to help me pursue my dream. Somehow. Anyhow. Because I did not see a way anymore. The next day I decided that the dismissive attitude of my then partner is an indicator that he did not have the capacity to understand me at a soul level and I have let him go. But the things that followed after will show you the miracles that God can do.
In the upcoming days life continued as usually. Until one night when I started to casually scroll through google pages looking for art contests. I have found one in Romania and the prizes were promising: I could get a tuition free year of study or move beyond the last phase one which is portfolio and get into the practical assessment. There were a couple of days until this contest would be over. I felt an itch. I felt a desire. I felt a voice inside my head whispering to me and this is eerie looking back now: “Apply, there is no more time”.I listened to that voice and applied to the art contest on the 10th of May. I then continued my life and almost forgot about it.
Then on the 13th of June I receive a reply. I have won the art contest and received the second prize. Here the fun begins. I was struggling with my inner critic about going so far away to this new town and pursuing my dreams. I now realize how powerful childhood can be and how years of conditioning someone into believing that their dream is worthless are hard to erase. I decided to go despite my fears.
While sitting in the beautiful artsy Airbnb in this new town and feeling proud for enrolling myself for the practical part of the admission I was having a casual chat with one of my best friends via phone.
Here I am, ready to enroll to the Arts University and enjoying my Airbnb like everything is working to a charm
The thought of mentioning my lump to her came into my mind. Two months have passed since I felt it and I was now thinking of mentioning to her because she was a doctor. She immediately called me and urged me to go as soon as possible to do a breast ultrasound. Seeing her so serious got me feeling panicky and , lucky me, I managed to make an appointment in this new town in the very day when I was supposed to have my practical drawing admission day. Can you see the divine orchestry at work? If I would not have applied randomly to this art contest, if I wouldn’t had won it, if I would not had come to this new town to enroll in June to the Art University….I would not have made this breast ultrasound.
I still remember the morning of 16th of July. It was a gorgeous day. I was so happy. Like a child. I even recorded a video of myself vlogging about this experience because I was imagining showing it to my future kids in order to inspire them to always pursue their childhood dreams, even if they are over 30, 40, 60 or whatever. The drawing assessment started at 9:30 in the morning and we were supposed to have 6 hours to complete it. At 1 PM though I had to go and make my breast ultrasound. In my mind this would have taken an hour maximum, I would come back and continue my drawing after I would have spent some money on doing this unnecessary ultrasound that my best friend convinced me to do.
Have you tried to make plans? Have they ever failed? Have you sat in awe looking at how everything is not working how you planned it to? Well...the man that did my breast ultrasound scared the life out of me. I expected a cyst. Or something harmless in my breast that would go away. I had no time for something else as I was filled with enthusiasm for finally going to study arts. When the doctor splashed some cooling gel on my left breast and images would appear on the screen my smile would disappear. He told me that I have a lump which will not go away and I should go to see an oncologist and work myself through getting a biopsy. I felt how my world shattered. I barely could hold my tears while I had to go and pay for the ultrasound. I called an Uber. It was a beautiful metallic blue. I started crying in the car and apologized to the driver. Here I was. In a new town, ready to pursue my dream (finally) and this thing happens. “I am just 35 years old and I hear the word cancer. I can’t help but burst into tears.” This is what I told to the driver, feeling helpless, ashamed, lost and pretty much not in a painting mood anymore. I came back to the room where the painting admission happened and gathered my things. I have left the painting as it was, with only 3 hours of work done into it. It felt surreal.
I came out of the building and went to a near park. I started to make phone calls like a crazy person to look for someone who would do a biopsy on this darn lump as soon as possible. Busy, busy, on leave, we have no personnel. You name it, all kinds of answers.
I come back at my place which I booked on Booking crushed. I checked in during the week on the 15th of July and had to check out by Saturday on 19th . So I had three days to find a doctor in a town where I knew nobody. “This can’t be happening to me. I have no one in the family with cancer. Nobody. I eat healthy, I have cut out sugar two years ago, I never smoked and I do not drink Coca Cola. I literally have the lifestyle of a monk.” I was pissed. I was confused. I was desperate. I was devastated. Then a thought came into my mind instantly. What if I would text to guy who owns this place where I stay? He is a local, maybe he knows someone. He might think I am crazy. Who cares? I was so desperate that the image of me that some stranger might have was irrelevant . So I texted him and asked for help. He said he will try. A couple of hours later one of this friends makes an appointment for me to a private hospital to go and see a surgeon. This is a legit proof that miracles can happen.
I go to this hospital the next day. I explain to the surgeon that I have no idea what I am doing in the hospital, I just came to this town to study art. He check my lumps and came with me to the oncology office. He told me I should talk to the oncologist. I was in awe. I felt like in a rapid train going with light fast speed and I did not have the time or capacity to realize yet that this thing called cancer is happening to me. The oncologist told me that we should better start with a breast MRI to have a better assessment of this lump. I was having my period then and breast MRI can’t be done during this time. So I had to come back in two weeks on the 30th of July to have it done. The waiting time is psychological torture if you do not have your shit together. I had to muster all of my strenght to keep myself strong mentally and not spiral to disastrous scenarios.
Surprise, surprise….I still had the audacity to believe that this MRI would prove to be another waste of time and money and that I should be fine. It wasn’t. So I ended up in the oncologist office and I saw the surgeon entering there before me and two more people coming in. I entered and sat on the bed smiling and ready to give an arrogant smirck to the doctors: “See, I am fine, I told ya, I have the lifestyle of a monk!”. They were positioning around me just like in a circle. I smiled. I said: well, what is it? “Honey, I’m afraid it’s not good. And it is not only one, there are two motherfuckers of this kind in your breast. You need to do a biopsy right now. Today.” said my oncologist. I bursted into tears. “But why? I have no family history. I have a healthy lifestyle. I do not drink Coca Cola. Like seriously? Why?” I said crying. I still could not process all of this poopy information about my health coming my way so fast.
Long story short as I will probably enter into details another time, I have done the biopsy in that day. On the 1st of august. Do you know what also happened on 1st of august 2024? My paternal grandmother died. This was such an odd coincidence. I still, after all that happened, had the courage to expect a positive result from the biopsy.
Do you ever have pictures of you smiling and being happy just before some event came to change your life completely? I was smiling in the morning of my biopsy, thinking how I am confident that this horror movie started in June will come to an end. I was wrong
My sister travelled to this town to come with me when we were supposed to find out if the biopsy showed cancer or not. I had to wait two weeks for the result. I was positive. But I received the news that every healthy woman is afraid to receive: you have cancer.
I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I cried so much before receiving the cancer diagnosis that I was depleted. Infiltrative breast carcinoma G2. I have no idea what this means for me as I am currently refusing to do any Google search about this little bastard.
The emotional and financial impact of such a diagnosis is crushing. I am doing all my best to keep my head high and writing about my journey is therapeutic. I feel I need to share and write in order to feel that I am not alone in this. In a way...it might sound crazy...but I am so grateful that this cancer is located somewhere where I could easily remove it if necessary and that it did not spread to other areas of my body. I slowly begin to see the life lesson that it gives to me and I will write about it in my future posts. There is a lot of financial burden on all of my family members who now try to help me to move to this new town and start treatment. I am currently thinking about ways in which I could gather money in case I need to access better treatment and extra care. Maybe I could sell some of my original art? Maybe I could try to make coloring books and sell them on Amazon? I will definetely work my brain around it as it is clear that this breast cancer diagnosis comes with some financial costs that I am not prepared for.
I have went through a lot of things in my life but if you were to ask me If I would ever have cancer I would have laughed in your face: no way brother, my family tree is clean as most of them died of heart conditions , no past record on cancer and I have the lifestyle of a monk. Smirk. It seems that now life laughs in my face showing me that nothing is certain and that the resilience that I have within me is now about to be tested more than I was ever prepared to be put to the test. Will I keep my faith in God? Will I trust that everything happens in the Universe for the well being of every creature? Will I have the power to surrender and release the desire to control and just enjoy this journey, with whatever it bring? Will I accept my fate? Will I have the courage to rise from the ashes after I feel that life burned me again? Will I?…..
