I thank God I have read the scriptures to understand that God has promised to be a constant companion [Isaiah 43:2; Ps. 23:4; Josh. 1:9; Matt.28:20b]. Matthew 28:20b reads “and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.” Although God has made this promise yet many of us Christians have refused it. We ignore Him and refuse His fellowship [Rom. 3:23] then go about complaining about our loneliness. Submission to God is therefore necessary if we wish to overcome loneliness. However, this is not the only requirement for defeating loneliness. There is a very important action to be performed. Some Christians who have a good relationship with God say “Why should I be lonely when I have Jesus?” Therefore, they ignore human relationships. When we say or do this we seem to have forgotten that despite the fact that Adam had companionship with God, God knew that it was not enough and therefore gave him a companion [Gen. 2: 18]. What about Paul who was very much aware that God’s presence was with him in prison but craved for the company of Timothy. [II Tim. 4:9-11, 16, 17, 21]. After mentioning that people forsook him, he said in verse 17 that “Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me...”. One would have thought that was enough for him, but reading further to verse 21 he said to Timothy “Do thy diligence to come before winter,...” It will also be important to mention our Lord Jesus Christ when he was at Gethsemane. Do we say that Jesus was not aware of the presence of God when he longed for the companionship of His disciples? [Matt. 26: 39-45]. These examples from the scriptures point to the fact that human relationship is very necessary to overcome loneliness. You may also observe that the fruits of the spirit in Galatians 5: love, peace, long suffering (patience), gentleness, goodness are all attributes that help us relate better with fellow human beings and make people respond positively to us. Therefore, in order to deal with loneliness we must learn to have a good relationship with others. This is the reason why I will be dealing with the issue of loneliness that arises from bad relationship we Christians build with our fellow human beings.
What Loneliness is and what it is not
A Christian psychologist, Paul Tournier called loneliness “the most devastating malady of this age”. It should be noted however that loneliness is not the same as solitude. Loneliness speaks of the pain of being alone while solitude speaks of the glory of being alone. Some people like to be alone- to spend time by themselves. By His example and preaching, Jesus taught that periods of solitude are good, refreshing, and probably even necessary if people are to function effectively. But a deliberate drawing apart for a temporary period of time is not the same thing as being lonely.
When we consider loneliness, we think of people who are isolated in secluded places or someone who is visiting a country for the first time and has no friends around. But you see, one doe not have to travel to another country to feel lonely. Many people feel isolated and lonely in their own community, in their own places of work, in their own churches and in their own homes. It affects old and young, rich and poor, unbelievers and Christians.
Causes of Loneliness
A common reason for loneliness is the TENDENCY TO REJECT OTHERS. Some of us feel lonely because we have consciously or unconsciously cast aside friendship and companionship of other people. Sometimes we build a spiritual pride and become so enamored with our relevance that we refuse to relate with anybody who doesn’t match our standard. Once we shut everybody out, we remain isolated in our pride and loneliness.
Another issue closely related to this is a HOSTILITY TOWARDS OTHERS. The person who is critical, unloving, inconsiderate and opposed to others will soon find himself all alone. Highly critical people may however find an equally critical person to be his companion but for most part the hostile man is a lonely man.
Then, there is FEAR. Sometimes we reject others and refuse to get near them because we are afraid of them. We might desperately want to be close but because we don’t know how to act in the presence of others we cower ourselves, remaining lonely and at a safer distance from the very people who could remove our loneliness.
This leads us to the issue of SELF-HATRED. Sometimes because of our inferiority feelings or self-critical attitude, we conclude that nobody would want to spend time with us. Convinced that we are worthless and that people do not find us attractive, we stay by ourselves and refuse to get close to others, even though we might desperately want to be accepted.
There is also a cause of loneliness which is slightly different from those mentioned previously. This is a case in which loneliness is forced upon us. That is, PEOPLE REJECT US. Sometimes children are lonely because they have been rejected by adults who are disinterested or too busy doing something else. Teenagers often feel lonely when they are criticized by adults, unsuccessful in their struggles to be accepted by peers, or desperately waiting to make it in a society that still values success more than anything. This is more depressing than the situation when one cuts himself from others. The person who is rejected by others feels more terrible.
From the introduction and the section on the causes of loneliness, the solutions to loneliness can easily be drawn out. The most common suggestions to solving the problems of loneliness are to do something in order to fill up time and to get our minds off our own isolation. Suggestions include: watch TV, play games, join a club, read novels, change jobs, go to church, etc. But you see, all of these activities may temporarily remedy the pain of loneliness but they fail to meet the problem on the deepest level and do not produce the desired lasting result. [Eric Fromm] suggested a more realistic solution. He said when man is lonely, he must somehow unite with other people. We must develop “productive love”- a love that is characterized by mutual care, respect, and understanding. By sharing possessions, ideas, feelings, aspirations and problems many lonely people have experienced the rare closeness which they have always longed for.
To handle loneliness, we must work to get along with people, learn to communicate, strive to remove the pride of self-condemnation which separates us from other people, and actively get involved in helping others, feel useful and needed. With all of this we must be yielded to the living God and guided by His Holy Spirit. Only then are we able to meet the problem of loneliness.
References
[Collins, 1973] Collins, G. (1973). Overcoming Anxiety. Vision House.
[Fromm, 1943] Fromm, E. (1943). The Fear of Freedom. Nature, 151(3839):597–598.
[Moustakas, 1972] Moustakas, C. (1972). Loneliness and love. Spectrum book. Prentice-Hall.
