Times when the things I enjoy felt like a burden, even the smallest of them all, were like a big deal to me.
Times when I couldn't meet up with my to-do list, optimistic the next day and pessimistic even the following day ahead.Sometimes I just feel like, what is the rush, and why do I keep struggling to just get the things I once enjoyed doing?
Times when I give numerous excuses just to justify my actions.
Times when I literally kept tapping on time with a strong determination I would achieve it all but still ended up doing nothing.
Times when I made a new resolution for the new week, yet it seems the same as the past week and the one before.
Times when my instinct goes rummaging on me and the only thing I feel is guilt and fear of the uncertainty becoming my reality.
Times when I made a decision to start fresh but ended up messing up.Times when I was talked down on, and even when I tried to be positive, it seemed like my effort wasn't noticed or wasn't just good enough.Times when being perfect was the only option and there wasn't any room for failure.
Times when I thought I had it all but still lost it all.Times when I drenched my pillow in tears, hoping a miracle was going to help me change.
Times when picking up a pen to write felt so difficult, even when the inspiration and idea were all there, but when I decided to pick up my pen, it was all gone.
Times when I don't just know how I feel.
Forming a habit can be extremely hard, a difficult mission to begin with. You might think you have mastered it all until one day you don't just feel like doing anything, having a messy day and coming home tired and the only thing you wish to do is just slump on the bed and sleep.
Waking up early, sleeping, cooking and preparing for the day was a daily habit our mothers trained us to be. For those of us who aren't privileged to have a maid, you will surely wash plates, sweep round the house and do other chores before heading off to school. That's a habit we keep repeating over the years, we were trained to be like that and it just became part of us.
One thing with habit, you just do it without feeling stressed or a second thought not to do it. It's just a part of you.
When I was in boarding school our waking hour was by 5 am while morning prayer by 6am. I usually wake up by 4 am so I could take my bath before the rising bell rings, waking the rest since we are almost 50 in the hall with a reservation of just two bathrooms.
Most times after dressing up my bed, getting dressed in my uniform and there is still time, I will end up sleeping back till I hear the warning bell for prayers by 5:40 am.
That habit of waking up early I thought I got used to it but I didn't whenever we are on midterm break or holiday it always seems like freedom like I was breaking away from boundage and I could sleep freely without being worried of going late for prayers or receiving strolls or cane or punishment.
The school system just felt so robotic for me and each time I'm home I don't see myself doing any of those routines. Those habits of waking up early isn't something I still abide on. Having stayed six years and couldn't inculcate this habit I just feel I wasn't interested in it which is why I didn't form it as a habit.
Whatever we are interested in we get to purge it , invest so much time in it even if it gets too tough that we can't handle it we just keep pursuing it. So I wasn't just interested in that which is why I didn't make it a part of me not on a daily basis though.
Interest changes with time and maturity. Oh thanks to maturity. Most of the things I had interest in a few years ago but not my interest now.
I might suddenly be interested in something and all of a sudden the interest is no longer there and there isn't any need to keep moving.
I prioritize a simple lifestyle, keeping it simple, I don't need noise, I don't need drama, I don't need the fake life. Keeping it real and being real. Just myself and just doing what I love doing and doing it best without minding anybody's opinion.
