Today seemed like a good day to get in the car and just drive. Drive and drive and drive some more. There has been a lot reeling through my mind lately and I like being on the open road, no talking... just the road and some tunes. Granted, the "no talking" aspect was pretty much a no go with Jude lol, but that conversation was good convo and he did fall asleep for a good part of the drive.

I have always turned to nature to reconnect and one of the many things about being out of the city which I am falling more in love with by the day is the vast and almost endless open space. It goes on forever - literally. It is beautiful, enveloping and invigorating. Being on the road took my thoughts back to a movie which came out when I was 19 years old. Cruel Intentions. A cheesy movie, yes (in ways) - but I was young and it impacted me greatly. Silly? Perhaps, but I still love it. The closing scene to the movie is what came to mind...

At that age and time in my life, this love story hit me to my core - despite the cheesy acting, which I can only see now - because hindsight is 20/20. lol. I suppose perhaps, I could relate to many aspects and that was what meant something to me. Also, let me not overlook the backing tracks... which are two favourites of mine, since forever ago.

Where were we... driving, that's right. On a road to nowhere really, but it felt so good. Allowed me a moment to fall deeply into my thoughts without interruption. Get consumed by the dreams I hold close and escape for a moment into bliss. It was good. So very good!

About an hours worth of driving and we ended up at a place called Gaans Baai. There was absolutely NO intention set for the trip and after getting there I soon realised I felt nothing for the place. I am funny like that... I need to feel something for, well - pretty much anything in life, otherwise I am simply not interested - you may as well be talking to a wall. Yeah it had some pretty coastline, but the town itself felt "dead". I just wanted to leave. I don't mean there was nothing "happening" kind of dead - just, it had an energy about it which made me feel less than anything and I did not enjoy that feeling. Beautiful as it was, I make my mind up about things like this pretty quickly.

Back into the car and heading back to Hermanus. We were starving already! I laugh at myself sometimes, lol - well, many times actually. To me, the destination was of zero consequence. Was happy to drive aimlessly in one direction for an hour, decide "no!" and drive back again lol.... I just simply can't stomach things which don't sit well with my soul. I am weird, I know.

“I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.”
― Hermann Hesse

We ended up at Grotto beach. Probably a 25 min drive from where we are staying. Went to have some munchies and then take a walk on the beach. I spent a good few moments marveling at my handsome child. Contemplated my own childhood and all the baggage which I carry today, hoping he does not end up with as large a load. It was so good to see him so happy. Loving the moment and actually enjoying being present. Kids these days severely lack this in their lives.

Jude and I have a REALLY close relationship now. He is 11 and I can only say - "long may it last". I have always used my relationship with my mom as an example to him, saying things like "you know how granny and I were best friends and could do ANYTHING together - that is what I want for us". I hope he stays close to me, because I would be lost without him. I am not a perfect mother, no parent is - but I do my best. That is all I can do.

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.”― Oscar Wilde

“It was the moments; the precious moments. The moments when no one was complaining, blaming, thinking about past hurts or the fear of future ones. It was those moments of simply being present to another person. Those moments of being grateful. Gratitude for another being; gratitude for life. Those moments made their relationship.” ― Donna Goddard

Tummies full, we headed down onto the beach. Jude was in a particularly good mood today. Perhaps it was the drive drive driven sleep or maybe it was the simplicity of having the attention and love he craves from his mother. I lean toward the latter. Not to say he does not get attention from me, but we all know that life often takes over and when you look again, six months have passed.

“I asked myself, “Who would I be if I weren’t busy? What would be left of my life and me after I removed excess stuff from my home and allowed my day to have unscheduled open spaces?” ― Lisa J. Shultz

Frankly, I am NOT a beach girl.. nope, I hate the sand, lol. Don't mind enduring it for a walk because I love being close to the ocean - but I will soon after jump into a pool or shower haha! I also have a GREAT respect for the ocean and you will NOT catch me in it! Pretty sad I guess, but that is the way it is. I have had two experiences in my life of being sucked in by waves, one as a toddler (which I recall) and the other when I was about eight - I suppose I have been terrified ever since. A walk next to those wild waves suits me just fine lol. Perhaps that will change... who knows.

I felt the need to "re-connect" with myself today. To engage with my little boy. To contemplate where I stand and what that means to me and us combined. I wanted to absorb and consume the moments - and so I did. Too often we complicate things with thought and mouth. Sometimes I contemplate the reality that we have forgotten how to lose ourselves.

Lose ourselves in where we currently stand. Shut off to outside influence, go wild and just be ourselves. Something which should come naturally is now a select art. How sad.I am rambling. I don't really care though, to be honest. This is my blog - if you don't like it, feel free to see yourself out the door.

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.”
― Mary Oliver

It was a good day. A day of reflection and moments which I will charge into the cherish bank. Sunshine and fresh air, it was precisely what I needed. Got into my "mental car" and took myself very far away! Placed myself precisely where I wanted to be and reveled in every second of it.