Ashes & Olives...

jaynie(76)

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The LIFESTYLE LOUNGE

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“That there are all kinds of love, and it arrives in different shapes and forms. It can be earned, but not paid for. It can be given, but never bought. And once it’s truly there, it holds fast. This love thing.” ― Lucinda Riley, The Olive Tree

Every single day is a matter of processing at the moment. Yes, life goes on and I am doing my very best to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on, because I know I need to - but the reality hits often and hard.

This may seem like an odd thing to share publicly... but I have forever been an oddball and I suppose it is no weirder than the fact that I am living in my moms clothes simply to keep her close to me. Yesterday I went to collect my moms ashes. Yes, it was her wish to be cremated. As with the few other humble requests of hers, we did our best to honour them all.

It has been one thing going through all of her possessions... each and every one, transporting me to a previous time in my life - momentary flashbacks of just how many memories and how much love was shared. A stupid (brown... gross lol) pillow I made in needlework when I was like 8 years old and completely sucked at sewing because I am left handed, silk scarves that I can still see my mom wearing with such elegance, to a little knitted crop top that only a woman with her magnificent figure could have pulled off! All of these precious items have been carefully selected and packed away very specifically...

but what of having to hold your "actual" mother in your hands... as much as I like to put on a brave face with most things in my life... I was not actually ready to hold her ashes in my hands. It was incredibly overwhelming. About an hour before we left to go fetch them I became incredibly nauseous. Enroute we discussed the possibility of my stomach disagreeing with the curry I had made the night before, but the truth is I think my emotions and nerves got the better of me. I was given this little wooden box, holding the woman that had literally been pivotal in everything positive in my life, walked away from the door and got back into the car, placing her on my lap. I stared and stared at this little box in disbelief and then I cried.

In her "doctors scrawl" as we so often teased... my mom made the request that we plant some Rosemary as it symbolises "remembrance". To be frank, I was pretty shocked at that request lol, considering the amazing green fingers she was - even I recall the many times she not only told me, but that I experienced first hand how EASILY Rosemary can turn up it's toes and die. Being that out of us kids, I am the only girl and the only one that is really much into gardening... I suggested that we honour mom with the rosemary on the day of the memorial (which we did) with the bookmarks I made, but that when it came to the ashes - that we plant something a little more resilient... like an olive. Well, in this case it will be four olives... so that we all get one.

The groves were God's first temples.- William C. Bryant

As my eldest brother very aptly pointed out... the olive was very special to mom... it was featured in MANY of her paintings and it's independent symbolism aside, it would make a very fitting choice for her ashes.

As many of you know, we are not all together at this point in time... my eldest brother Brett is over in London - so we will do this when we are all together. Until then, mom resides in her room, alongside her Lucinda Riley novels.

I picked the quote at the beginning of this post from one of Lucinda Riley's books because although I have never read a word she has written, she was one of my moms favourite authors and whilst looking for quotes on olive trees, this happened to pop up, almost uncannily. We actually clubbed together and bought her six of Lucinda's novels for her 71st birthday on the 19th May... sadly she never even got to turn the cover on a single one. I have however placed them on the shelf in her room. Perhaps I will pick one up and read it some time. Time... yes, time.