Who am I?
I have spent a lifetime thinking about this without much eloquence, but I have had to produce versions of answers to this question often in the past two years. The format has included recommendation letters, online dating profiles, statements of educational philosophy, and resumes. I have gotten a little better at communicating who the hell I think I am.
I am a Loser
You got it. #Loser. I have spent a lifetime losing. Now, I am not spinning a sad story, we are all the heroes of our own story, and I am of mine. So who is this hero loser that I self identify as? Someone who has quested and dreamed dreams big and small. True love, wealth, fame, success, sports championships, children... I have wanted it all. Everything has fallen short of my reach in some way. I dove in and I played the games, ran the races, pushed the boulders up the hills. Losers are those who actively competed. I have put my damn chips on the table, and in a way I can live with. I didn’t go after things half-hearted or as an afterthought, #MacyGray I TRIED.
I am over 50 years old. Minutes ago I was born on STEEMIT. On August 17, 1966 I came into this world. The anchor was set on one end of my timeline. Turning 50 is an incredible thing. You have greater insights into many things. Males have less antagonism in them by 50 and more compassion. Oddly, when I likely should be racing around in a panic to fill out my items on my bucket list, I am more sure-footed now, more present in the moment. I used to go racing by everything and missing so much while getting nowhere. Somehow I am still forward looking and progressive and optimistic, when biologically I am becoming a conservative. I am trying to keep my fitness, my hair, my teeth etc from getting worse. I have little expectation of physically getting better, and we all know I will not become my 30 year old self again.
I am a father
I have been blessed to be a father three and a half times over. I have an 18 year-old daughter who I adopted when I married her mother. She is beautiful and biracial. I am white and a product of the white suburbs of America. She introduced me to parenting and opened a wonderful world to me. I have a 16 year-old son. He is pure teenager and a product of his generation. He is gay. He does not like sports. We have trouble connecting, but somehow we have begun connecting better now that I don’t live in the same house with him. I have a twelve year-old daughter who still sees me as the hero I see myself as. She is an avid softball player and virtuoso goofball. She works hard on our relationship and calls to do things with me often. I must love her a lot (#Ido) because I agreed to take her and a friend to Maze Runner 3 last week on opening day. I also have been a host parent to a boy from China. He has lived with my family for three and a half years, goes to the school I teach at (he has twice been my student too), and will graduate this spring. He is family now. How could he not be?
Tennis Player
I began playing tennis 40 years ago. It has been with me longer than only a few people. I love the sport. My mother convinced me that switching from baseball to tennis would give me a sport to play for the rest of my life. While tennis has been a consistent source of my losses (even Roger Federer has lost more tennis tournaments than he has played in), it also has been something in my life that has given me great triumphs. It has also given me community, friends, and the not zero kind of love. It fuels my passion and showers me with endorphins. Just this weekend, I was paid an extremely high complement from someone I respect in the tennis world almost without peer. I hope everyone who reads this post has something that is theirs in this world that they pursue with passion and the goal of excellence the way I have with tennis.
Educator
What do you do for a living? It is a very American question. I am a history teacher at a private high school in Middle Tennessee. I fell in love with college life and aspired to be a college professor. I chased that dream and landed in an independent high school. We charge I hefty fee and provide an excellent education. I work hard, and the work is rewarding. Like many jobs today, it takes too much, and returns too little. But I am very lucky to do something for a living that is fulfilling and rewarding.
Hiker
I have recently become a hiker. Only in the last two years has this become part of my identity.
This past weekend I went on one of the most beautiful hikes I have ever been on. I find hiking to be restorative both physically and mentally. It helps keep me in shape and in helps me continue to cultivate wonder about the world. What’s not to like.
I am not a real man
And its not just because I am older. I never was cut from the #realman stone. I am who I am, but I am not Popeye the sailor man. I am not that aggressive, I do not want to man up, and I do not want to dictate terms of life to a pretty little lady. I have me traits, but I am not John Wayne. I have loved and lost along the way. I have now been married, and divorced twice. My vision of myself in my 20s and 30s was of someone who could always get along alone, but would like the company of women, and in particular of a woman. This self-identity likely made the women I married feel less than completely loved. It was important to me, but I have lost it. Now that I am alone again, I know that I have moved on that scale to “I need the company of women, and happily would embrace the company of one good woman. That need for female companionship and love has likely always been there. But if has definitely gone from a like to a need. Yet, I wonder how I could possibly consider getting married again.
Writer
I love to write, and to think, and to write about thinking. I aspire to write the next great American novel. I have so many ideas of stories that I have squirreled away. They live in someday, and someday seems to hard to imagine today. I also have a “pun”ishing (#getit?) and sarcastic wit. I approach life with humor, and usually can’t hold back the comments and quips that fly into my mindscreen. Being quick-witted is not necessarily the same thing as being funny. But I am quick-witted. I am a teacher and a father, so ... dad jokes time teacher jokes equals groooaaaaan. Just this past week I can unhumbly say I stayed a crowd. To be fair they were captive and they were restless and in need of some amusement. But I had a fun moment, when I accidentally walked in plain view of a hopeful audience (#getinwithitteacherboy) before we were ready to actually get on with it. I stalled with this joke that captures a lot of my sense of humor (#orlackthereof)
“How do trees get on the Internet?”
Wait for it
“They log in!!!!!!”
(#itsallinthedelivery)
It really did kill. Fun times.
Progressive politics
I believe in Progressive politics. I swing to the left politically. I have deep thoughts about this issue. I am more of a boring moderate than an exciting idealistic radical, but I truly believe in Progressive politics. Therefore I have been frustrated my entire political life. I spent a lot of time exploring and debating politics on a political site called Americasdebate.com. It quoted down significantly about ten years ago, but it still putters along.
Finally, I am an Avid Fantasy baseball player. Whether you are interested or not, more on that later. I love music, and lean toward adult alternative. My regular Pandora stations that are clearly affiliated with a musical artist include the following, Brandi Carlile, Michael Kiwanuka, St. Vincent, the Killers, and Jason Isbell. I also love movies. I don’t go that much, but I watch movies whenever life lets me. Forrest Gump and Fight Club are two of my favorites.
Well that is my introduction.
