The greatest love affair of my life; my defining reality is my complicated relationship with an incredibly attractive seducer. I have an addictive personality; this I’ve learned through varied experiences, not all of them good.
My seducer and I have been apart for only 13 years of my life, but during the other years (don’t be silly, I’m not going to tell anyone how many), I’ve been constantly attached; it’s as if my “master” is my pervasive life-experience; everything else only an afterthought.
This is sad, I know, and you don’t see the funny yet; I admit that it’s difficult under the circumstances, but it’s going to come out, the way these things will, so…
My seduction began at the age of eight. I did manage to escape once, and I survived quite well for five years of freedom. During these five years; the seductive pull was strangely absent - of course this gives me hope…so much hope for the future; perhaps I can do it again; escape that is.
Why do you live in an abusive relationship that’s so dangerous and all consuming that it could kill you? I hear you scream this at me, but it’s lost in the wind - I think about my seducer all the time; I covet the experience - no, I love it…adore it.
But, I tried to stop, I have, I promise…
Once I thought that if I could kill my seducer, symbolically, you understand and have a fake funeral(not anything violent; just a make believe parting where I would send my seducer to the afterworld) it would help me end my dysfunctional existence. So I built a tiny boat, with a little white sail, filled it with poems and symbols of my addiction (don’t ask, you don’t want to know). Then I said a little prayer and made a plea of release to all the deities. I lit the boat's sail and launched it on my swimming pool to sail, expressively on the breeze; burn my desire in front of me and give me symbolic freedom.
But it didn’t help…
It’s a new year now and every day I get out of bed and vow to end it, but by 8:00AM I’m at it, again. (That’s the nature of addiction, and yes I’m an early riser).
Every day, I vow to end the only real affiliation I’ve ever had -
and throw the damn cigarettes away, man (…as in CHUCK), no little boats or anything…
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