I was down on the beach with a heartbreak so profound that it made me brittle. Shaun had left me for his best friend, a dude; a guy. It was achingly disappointing. It was devastating.
My mind was a turbulent entity, swirling with the impossibility of what he had made me face.
‘My boyfriend was gay’.
I wanted to scream out loud. I wanted to explain to the stars that it wasn’t my fault. After all, wasn’t he born that way?
‘Why did he choose me?’ The abyss of the rabbit hole held me for a moment.
‘Why?’
We used to be best friends. A cooler box of goodies to share under the moonlight on a wave-swept vista. It was sublime.
He and I.
Me and him.
A collaboration of intertwined minds.
God damn, he was clever.
As clever as the sea, ever changing, offering answers to the ultimate questions.
Like a guru, he was. He was brilliant.
How did it happen?
Well…
He was my brother’s best friend.
He was beautiful and intelligent, and he could communicate with his hands, his voice, and his soul.
I fell under his spell, and what a spell it was—eviscerating, upturning, life-changing.
He was Adonis. My Greek God.
Then the seagulls whirled in the gray, gray sky as I sat there waiting for him to come.
He would eventually arrive, but the aroma of a foreign man’s cologne was so evident.
Why, oh, why, was I so stoic in my understanding?
Why?
He would tell the best jokes. He would hold me like porcelain. He mapped out a path for our future. Together!
Together. There was a dream he forged into reality. He held the market to my heart.
I believed him.
Then there was a party. A night of stars, a glowing excitement of fun. We danced, we drank, and we elevated the ordinary.
In a corner, in the dark. In a corner...
There he was, and my soul grew weary.
He was never my man. He was a man’s man.