He left me.
It’s not a puzzle, it’s a fact. I don’t know what it did to him, he devolved, he disappeared. Perhaps he went to the golden gate, I’m not sure, but I hope he did.
For me, for me…
Life became a gray cloud. I wish it’d been something…something more. A thunderstorm, a tumultuous downpour, anything other than nothing at all.
Nothing!
I no longer needed to know. I no longer investigated or sort life’s force. I existed on a plane that held neither validation nor obliteration.
I was very ill. There was no reality other than overwhelming pain.
How can I begin?
Again…
In the order of the universe energy cannot be created, it can only be changed; altered. Yet, I’m still alive. Granted, it’s not a real life, but my pulse beats, I clean my teeth…I exist.
So, before he went, he bought a pine tree, a Christmas tree, just for me. I wanted a proper tree, not a fake, felt-fabric excuse for a tree.
We went shopping on a sunny day, we ate sushi, alfresco and shared our lunch over chopsticks of laughter and effervescent hope.
We were the couple everyone else wished they could be; people used to stare, and stare.
He planted the tree. A shovel, a pitchfork, a heave of effort and the sapling was in the ground. It looked good, that young tree, and we wanted more, so we strung up Christmas lights; fairy lights in a glow of rainbow colors. We basked in the glory of our accomplishment and life was sublime.
Just us and red wine, slow-dancing, keeping time.
My heart shrivelled, my mind stalled.
How could I?
How could…
But,
Then one day, when the sun reminded me of sushi, I went out and bought the fixings for a bench, a slatted wooden bench.
I bought a drill, bolts, nuts, screws and glue.
I built a bench around our tree.
My love…
And I reside there, under the canopy that whispers with your breath on the wind.
…and I burn the rainbow lights…while I wait.
Images are mine.