The vision spun like an imaginary coin before her eyes; two possibilities: the perfect and the void.
Panic gripped. She flung the window open and took a ragged lungful. Her stomach clenched, forcing a sour, choking bile onto her tongue. Gagging, she gripped the frame, the blue day blew in a blast of crisp autumn and she felt an involuntary shiver buckle her knees. She didn’t fall, though, her white-knuckled hold; her salvation.
“Calm down.” She exclaimed to the world at large. A man walking past below, turned his head to look at her quizzically . She waved a flourish at him, and echoed a crazy woman’s giggle; madness swirled in her blood for a moment, and she wondered what it would feel like to clamber over the rail and free fall like the feather drifting down on the breeze in her view. She wondered if she’d splatter or crack. Interesting…
Of course she wouldn’t jump, she had planned this terror, she knew what she was doing every month of the way, every day she’d purposefully invested in a precarious future. Every irresponsible action she’d taken with peril wafting about her; a welcome release. Respite from the mundane pointlessness that coupled with her inability so elegantly.
She’d arrived at the point of no resistance, the secret joy of defiance and accomplishment rocked her into reality. She was suddenly aware of the beauty of the bright day, the sway of the tree branches dancing on the wind, the bird chorus twittering a sweet, sweet tune, the puffy white clouds floating by so smoothly. It looked like something out of a fairytale picture book, all shimmery glitter and beaming iridescent hope.
“God, I want this so much.” She felt a tear squeeze onto her cheek and she brushed it off with a hand, rigid from her irritation with herself.
Her thoughts expanded and she considered Gary’s reaction; she shuddered silently at the prospect of telling him. She knew, that like her, he would be horrified and boundlessly pleased, what an unsavory predicament for him to negotiate, but she knew he’d handle it eloquently; his singular forté.
Tea. She thought that was always her meditation, it acted as a replacement for her medication. She shuffled to put on the kettle and while she waited for the satisfying whistle, she turned the radio on to listen to something, the news, perhaps. That was usually distracting, particularly these days with so much power at the hands of insanity, but instead a song sang out. Weird, weird…how coincidental, it was her song, hers and Gary’s. She turned up the sound; realizing, without a care for the disturbance, that it was now too loud for her neighbors’ comfort.
But what the hell. Pleasure stifled pain, and she knew that she needed it.
As if on cue, as soon as the music subsided her cell rang. She switched off the kettle and the noise to answer.
“How are you doing today, you were asleep when I left this morning? Did you take your meds?” Gary’s voice was warm, his tone concerned, as usual.
“I’m just about to.” She lied, eyeing the tea, “how’s your day?”
“Busy and blustery, but I was just getting out of the car and I heard a nostalgic version of Paris, our song? I picked up the phone to call you, I felt as if you were right here with me and you had something to say. The connection, loud on our frequency...you know what I mean?”
She breathed heavily and let his question hang for an instant before answering soberly.
“I love you Gary, and, yes I do have something I want to talk to you about. We’ll chat tonight, okay?”
“Sounds intriguing. I’ll get done here as quickly as I can. Darling, please promise that you’ll take your meds you know what doc said, one error, that’s all it’ll take. We don’t want you having another heart attack. Darling?”
Silence intervened, but she held on.
“I don’t want the fear of losing you to haunt me like this, Jean. Please promise me that I won’t lose you. Take your meds, honey, Please. Honey?”
“I am going to.” She took another guilty glance at the tea, “I’ll see you in a few hours. Love you.”
She hung up and fetched her cup. She sat down at her kitchen table to let the bag do its trick. Naturally, she couldn’t take all the meds she’d been prescribed in her condition, but she wasn’t quite as mad as she’d felt she was moments ago, no, she was taking the bare minimum; enough to keep her alive.
She stirred and mused.
Oh, well, if it was God’s will, at least Gary would have a robust replacement, someone to love and care for.
She rubbed her side to still the persistent ache that her home test had confirmed…and she knew, she just knew that it was going to be a girl.
Mackenzie.
she thought,
now that was a really beautiful name.
