Ignored.
Unwanted.
Forgotten.
⎯
Hi.
I'm Miss A— and this is my recent personal quest for belonging.
As someone who lacks the ability to conceal her emotions, I often find myself feeling helpless and worthless when people I've considered mine make me feel ignored, unwanted, and forgotten. I pity myself a lot just by thinking that very moment of how I tried so much to pull myself together just to not give in, in front of those bunches of people. My eyes betrayed me, as tears threatened to escape at any moment. No matter how I try to compose myself and calm my face like something trivial only happened, I can't help but for a liquid bubble to make its way down my left cheek.
"No, this can't be!" I exclaimed inwardly, hastily wiping away the tear.
I had to fight for it. I should not lose my consciousness. Despite feeling like I don't belong, I can't just cry out of the blue in the sight of those people lining up for free snacks after a program I'm required to attend to, whose responses will only revolve around two: pity and mockery. I can't. I can't allow that to happen. These are normal though given this new generation in our society but I don't want any people to perceive me in that manner. I don't. I've been a quiet person my whole life whenever around a group I am not close to, but I really wanted to be a more outgoing person as naturally as I can and for people not to see me looking so alone lost in my thoughts.
Yet, my extreme shyness prevails all the time. I yearn to stay unbothered even though it's almost crushing my entire system and still interact with genuity without pain.
These people are kind, vibrant, and are dedicated to maintaining a positive outlook, regardless of the challenges the school presents. That's what I admire about them, they can still embrace optimism despite. The thing is, they just don't see me the way I look at them. It's what broke me. Have you ever experienced such emotions? It's incredibly painful.
That time when our quiz paper in a subject was given back but they didn't get mine.
That time when there's some paper to print out but I just found out when they arrived they already have theirs. I understand them though because I'm not part of the house anymore.
Those times when they got vital review materials from our classmates, yet not a single one reached me or at least shared some in our group chat where I still belonged.
That time when they took pictures but didn't even bother to say, "Hey, come here."
That time, most of all, when our group chat became silent, and it seemed abandoned.
I couldn't help but think they disliked me because, typically, when they stop liking someone in the chat, they create a new one. Ironically, that new chat would also end up deserted. Well, I understand that they need to have a new one because I'm not part of the house anymore but the previous one appeared like a ghost town already.
These are only some, and even though I list all of them, they still won't make sense because they didn't even do anything wrong. They just did what they should, it's just me. So, I can't help but wonder how I could imagine things going the opposite way when I was the one who kind of initially distanced myself. After morning classes, I no longer joined them for lunch, although I always asked for permission before leaving.
The library had become my sanctuary lately.
The reason for "kind of" distancing myself was that, apart from the library being cooler than their rooming house, I often forgot my lunch due to rushing, or sometimes I didn't bring any due to a lack of funds and no stocked food at the boarding house. I didn't want to rely on their lunches all the time, and I worried about annoying them. I told myself that I would join them when I had lunch or money, but most of the time, I missed bringing one, and when I did, I no longer felt like going with them.
Reflecting on this, I've come to realize that I've remained overly reliant on them. I forgot the fact that I've already moved to a new boarding house and felt too shy to go with them, which created a gap between us. Socializing isn't solely about how others interact with you. It's also about how you engage with them. I need to take the first step, initiate conversations, and simply be myself in social situations. Well, I suppose the main reason is that there's something wrong with me, haha!
This is Miss A. A woman who is still in the process of self-development in the vast ocean of diverse personalities, each of which may elicit different responses towards me, whether I agree with them or not. Thus, kindly drop some advices.
