Héctor, dear friend, it has been a long time. A long time since I was you, and you, of course, have no idea what I am or how you changed over the years. I won't spoil too much for you, though I will tell you that the years ahead of you are tough ones. Your mind will twist and turn, your heart will break, and it will feel as if the entire universe is conspiring against you, because you will try many things, and none will pan out.
Don't be afraid though, because all of those things will help you once you get to my age. You will look back and wonder how you survived, but survive you will. You will see that it is not the opinions of others that matter, though they will often be quick to offer them, and cruel in the how. You will notice that inside of you is still that young guy, the one who thought of ending it so often, and tried with no success, and who thought even then the universe was out to get him, unwilling to let him go.
You will learn to be grateful to the universe for her unwillingness to part with you, though even now there is a part of me that doesn't seem to care about himself, there is now a guiding principle, a guiding light in my life that lets me forgive and care for others even I often feel like I don't understand that caring.
You will discover that being a kind person, perhaps a giving person, is not something you need to do to get something back, because truth be told most people will not appreciate it and will very often take it, and you, for granted. You simply do it because it is the right thing to do at the time and the rest you let fate take care of.
You will be lonely, often while coupled with another, and yet today, alone, I am no longer lonely. I have this mind which never ceases to think of so many things all at once, something that made you nearly insane, I know, but for which one day you will be grateful. You probably think that's bullshit, but you'll see!
Sex will haunt you. You will seek it, too often in the wrong people. Love will more often than not elude you, and I wish I could meet you to tell you to give it a chance, to not give up so easily, but in truth, it is what it is, and I may be alone, but alone is not so scary as it seems at your age. I wish I could tell you to be more careful, to guard your heart and body better, but I know you can't read this. Men are a weakness that will take you a long time to learn to outgrow.
Don't mistake my meaning, dear one, men are still such beautiful things. Such magnificent creatures. And your heart and body still yearn for them, but now days I think a friend is a better thing to have than a temporary lover.
People have always liked you, you just never believed it. People have always wanted you to be their friend, their confidant, but you refused to understand why. You will struggle with this, always, but it's ok. The few friends you do make and hold on to are truly worth it. That gaggle of people you wish you could be a part of never much cared for anyone. The most unexpected people were the ones who stuck by you.
I so wish I could warn you, teach you, take you in my arms and tell you it will all be okay in the end, but the universe will not allow it. I wish I could take away your pain and despair, but I would not, for I would lose out on all the lessons they taught me, lessons I think were worth the suffering.
Bless you, and hold on to that little bit of faith I know you have left in you, though at your age it is a small spark, a nebulous thing. But hold on to it and relish what it will one day blossom into, because it may be hard to believe sometimes, but the Gods are with you. They are there in the back of your mind. In the sure steps you take. In those little victories and little turns of fortune that come your way. You were made to be so much more than you are right now, dear me, and if you give yourself the chance you will grow into a man who some call smart, some call wise, and some even call an asshole, but you can't win them all.
So, get out of that bed where you lay your head down in hopes of dying because you took so many pills you were sure it would work! Get up and stand! Get up and look at the world around you! Always keep in your heart the wonder of it! It is beautiful! It is cruel! It is inspiring! And all of it is also a part of you!
Accept the gift of life, my dear young boy, and live!
