A whisper in winter, a faint call in spring, a tear in the summer and a fall... what does this life bring us?! Pain, sorrow and sadness or is there just no hope for me? Nothing matters when I am sick and I can't do anything when I am healthy. Is the prison in my mind so strong and firm that not even God can free me from my pain of this life. Most have already given up on me and I have already been cast aside and cast out of your circles and businesses. A liar and a thief is my title that I hold in the dark and even in the light as I go about my day doing my daily business. Hated and scorned for many reasons too many to count at this point. If I am able to succeed even after all of this then and only then will I be considered something more than a thief and a threat. But what if I am not strong enough to endure? I say this as I feel my physical self drain and the fatigue sets into my muscles and bones like winter and snow on the roof top of a house or building.
My spirit screams out for help but no answers come my way, I yell out for friends to help me but it is dismissed as white noise. Falling to one knee I began to realize that I am defeated for the first time in my life.
For the first time in my life I face defeat. I have lost before but I was never defeated until now. If this is it for me what will be left behind in my wake. Who will morn me? I have no estate to give so I won't even have the pretenders that frequent my dreams of sorrow and bliss. My enemies bear down on me and pressure me because they can feel their victory at hand. I have met defeat before, when I was young. It said that it would be back and now that I am old it has returned. It's showing me all of the failures of my life and how I have squandered my money over the years. It argues that I don't deserve another chance and it shows all of my failures as evidence and reason to not be given yet, another chance. It even points out that no one has come to my aid. It goes on to say that even if someone was to show up that I am too far gone and not worth saving or help. Because, I would just end up back in the same spot a few short years later. It goes on to say that it will help me to fail as it has done so many times in the past.
It concludes its argument by saying, look at him, he is too old, and he don't have what it takes to endure and over come. Your efforts will be lost and he will succumb to my call and give up the ghost. As it glares at me, it says: Even his self worth and determination is gone. There is nothing left of him but an empty husk, a shell of what was once great. Using greatness for him is an over kill because he has done nothing in his life. The tears in my eyes rolls down my face because there is so much truth in what it is saying. I am old now, I am failing, I am in so much pain, so much pain. I don't want to be a burden to my friends and family as I seek out one more chance. There is no guarantee that I won't fail, again and again. Lastly, it spoke the truth when it said that I lost my self-worth and my self-esteem and I lost my determination. What has become of me? Am I at the pentacle of my life? Is this it? Is this the best that I can do?
Should I give up on life? It is so easy to give up, I mean it's always right there, waiting on me to... Yes, I can also see the victory cheers of my enemies and the boasting of all those who stood against me. I have no family, no wife, no children, nothing to live for, so, should I just give up?! The negative energy is so strong and fluid. My shields are not holding. How did those other guys do it?! They had family, friends, children and family. What happens when you don't have those things. What happens when I am marginalized because of convinces. Should I leave this world behind and go to a cold ground symbolizing a cold world who never cared because it couldn't or wouldn't. Should I be cremated to show how the world ate up my life and burned away all of the good parts. Cremation will also show how I squandered all of my life opportunities, leaving myself in debt and broken in all ways known to man. Should I just die.
No, as much as it hurt I shall fight. I am a warrior. I don't care if I am old, I don't care if I failed before I will not give up. No, I can't give up. I know that I don't have no one but I shall fight on. I have me. I have me and God. I have no wife, no kids but I will fight on. I have no money, no opportunities given but I will fight on. I will succeed as long as there is life in my body I will fight on. If I am destroyed in my efforts of fighting for what I believe in then I died fighting. Yes, I will have down days, yes, I will have loses but I will fight on. Do not give up on yourself. I don't care if you are old, young, smart, or challenged. You fight on. Fight for what you believe in. I dare say if it is good and positive never give up. So, go back to school and finish your diploma/degree, learn that new language, start that new business, push forward forever forward.
I am going to close with; how, when, why, where, and who are the questions that we ask our heroes and people that we look up to. I may never be good enough for you but I will always give you the best that I can an if that is not good enough. I will know that I left it all on the battle field (of life). Never give up. #nevergiveup, #8010az, #teamfire, #firenation, #acting, #staymotivated, #fitness, #teamfirehawk, #happythanksgiving, #happyholidays, #merrychristmas, #happynewyear, #godlovesyou
