Who am I Really?

Who am I Really?
Don’t know.

I thought I knew. My plan has always been to make Technical Writing and Programming my “temporary” career. You know, just until I made the big sale and became as well known and loved as Stephen King.

My intention was also to be a “real” writer. You know, the kind of writer who works in their home office telling stories that people can’t wait to read.

Somewhere along the line, I think I lost my way.

I earned a degree in IT with a concentration in Software Development. I’d still like to go back and get an MFA, maybe even a second degree in Creative Writing. But how can I justify spending another thirty or forty, maybe even fifty thousand dollars? There’s no guaranty that I will make any significant money as a writer.

I’m not saying that I am giving up on writing, by the way. I still would like to switch my focus from writing about computers to writing about almost anything else, and doing it on my schedule.

But, Maybe, it’s Time

Maybe it is time for me to admit that I may be running out of time. I have reached an age where most people are thinking more about retirement than they are about starting a new career.

In three years I’m going to be sixty. Yep, the “big six-oh” is looming on the horizon. Ten years ago when I went to work in the city for the first time, I had visions of working for another two or three years before I got an agent and sold a book.

Finally, three years ago, I self-published a collection of short stories that gets rave reviews from everyone who actually reads it, but less than 200 people have read the book and, of those, only a couple dozen actually bought and paid for it.

Why?

I’m Invisible!

This is not to say that “I’m unworthy” or that I’m not a good writer. I know I’m a good writer but the truth is that the world will never find out because the world will never see my stuff.

I don’t imagine that anybody has it in for me, or that I’m being discriminated against. It’s just that you have to be very lucky to be noticed. And in order to “get lucky” you have to be persistent. You have to be out there.

Despite the fact that I have been writing fiction for 13 years, I have been too hypercritical of my own work to give anybody else a chance to be. In other words, I haven’t sent much of my work out into the world.

Not a Total Loss

I’m not looking for pity. Honest. Along the way, I managed to do some cool things:

1. I married a good man. He is the love of my life and the man I always imagined marrying. I fell in love with him the night we met. After over 31 years as a couple, and 22 years of marriage, I love him more than ever.
2. My husband and I have a son who is creative, intelligent, and really fun to be around.
3. I get along well enough with my step-children that my step-son was the Best Man and my step-daughter the Maid of Honor at our marriage.
4. I spent four years at Microsoft, a year at Google, and I’ve met the guy who wrote “The Trouble with Tribbles” when we were Contributing Editors to the same computer magazine.
5. I have published several computer games and lived on the royalties from them for a year.

All right. I’ve admitted that I may never be famous. I’ve consoled myself with the fact that my life certainly has meaning without fame or fortune.

So am I going to give up on writing?

Hell no!

I’ve come to the conclusion that my work has to be out there, that I have to publish, that it doesn’t matter whether other people think it’s good enough. They will or they won’t. If I fail, I fail, but at least it won’t be because I didn’t try.