Okay, so this post is inspired by an entry in my diary, it's not a diary entry, it's just an entry I wrote because I was feeling that way. I write these things so that I could analyse these feelings and get to the core of why it's there and find a way to not let these things bother me. So, I'll first write what I've wrote in my diary and later, I'll analyse it. I guess you should know a few things about me before. I'm not a type of girl who wears makeup and think that my real face is ugly. I actively don't wear makeup nor have I ever worn makeup in my life (I guess the only exception would be at one of my school events I was in 6th grade I believe). It's something I never wanted to do but would get a lot of backlash. So here is the original entry.
"Yeah... I am ugly. I know it. To be honest, I want to be a type of person who doesn't care about what people think about my appearance. I know that I am not worthless. I am really good at maths and physics. I love learning. That's my strong side. But still being honest, I should mention that I have cried many times on being ugly and right now, I can't talk without crying or without feeling very sad and without being angry towards my mom and I know that it's not my mom's fault but still why does she have to say so. I'm sad because my mom implies "You are not worthless, but ONLY if you wear makeup, you'll be pretty". I'm sad because my mom said those things because of what she thinks the people might say about me. I'm sad because of what others might think about me and my appearance. I know it shouldn't matter. I wish that these won't matter. I wish that I could magically become a person who isn't bothered by these silly things. I have shit to do. Why am I here crying? Have to hold it, my mom is right here, she might hear me. It's not my mom's fault. I mean even I've seen those fucking advertisements. I know the feeling. Like if you just had this one thing your entire life will be fixed. I mean that is the implication. I am really trying to not let these advertisements get to me. I mean what kind of person in real life would say stuff like "If you just had this one thing in life, your life will be wonderful". A psychopath. No real person would say that. I know all of this. And yet I'm still bothered by them. There is not a lot to process but still I am sad. I think the only thing I could do is be mindful of these things and not let these things bother me. I am going to bed "
Here is the analysis:
So... the first thing that's very obvious is that there is alot to be processed. If that wasn't the case I wouldn't have been sad in the first place. But for some reason, I couldn't see that in that moment. And that's not the weird part, weird part is I very strongly assumed the opposite. I remember feeling very strongly that there is nothing I could process in this department because I thought there was nothing there. Not once it occured to me that it might be because I haven't processed some emotions. So that's the first step. Accepting that there is a problem. I think that what i mean when I say that I'm ugly is that I decided to not wear makeup to hide my true face, and that true face is considered ugly. What I want to point out is thereis a way for me to be pretty. Start wearing makeup. Almost every girl does it. But if I ever did wear makeup, I know that I would feel very horrible that I DID THAT. I would feel even worse. I remeber, i had a nightmare about this. In the dream I started wearing makeup, I felt amazing until I decide to look in the mirror and see my makeup filled face. I remember the song mrs. potato head playing in the background and I started crying in my dream and then I woke up. It was horrible.
Now that I'm reading the entry I see that in the entry, my mom seems to be a horrible person. But that's not true. And to be honest these things she said about my appearance she said a long time ago but it's just bugs me and it's in my memory like it happened yesterday. There were two reasons why she might say those things to me. The first reason might be due to other people. I remember I went to see my best friend at her place for the first time and her mother said to me, (I'm translating here) "Maybe you should be like a girl I mean if you won't wear makeup and style your hair now, when will you? It's time to be like a girl." I am not going to say that she's horrible. I respect her but god damn that hurt. And that wasn't an isolated incident. Many times, my friend's parents would approach my mother and say to her, (again, I am translating here) "You should tell her to be like a girl." I could sit here and write 10 blog posts about how I think that these people are degenerates and shouldn't be alive and how could they even drag my mom through it and why would they even say that stuff TO MY MOM IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! but..., I know it's not their fault... Anyways, I do think that that was one of the reasons why my mom said those things to me. The second reason maybe because, she herself is hurt. I am hurt, she is hurt. Maybe its because she thinks that if I could become a girl like she wants me to be, like a typical girl, she might think that that would make me happier like them, like those other girls. And then, she could be happier like the normal mother and just pretend that she's happy. I really have to discuss this with my mom but not now. Lots of stuff is going on right now. It will be horrible if I discuss it now. I will have to discuss it later.
So that's it for now. If you are reading this now, I have a random question. I love making educational videos. I usually upload them on youtube. I was looking at the alternatives to youtube so I looked up d.tube. I looked up what's in the educational section of d.tube and there is not much in there. I would like upload educational videos. I know my videos are not the best quality (like video and audio quality). Should I upload them? I mean it can't hurt right? What's your opinion?
