Oh my God, Spiders, millions of them, pouring out of the walls, everybody RUN! -- Anon Guest
Across the multiverse, there are constants. No matter the nature of civilisation, no matter the fiscal structure, there is always the roommate who freeloads, steals treats, and denies it. Some call them 'goldbricks', some call them 'assholes'. Some call them 'scabs'. Rickerd called hir annoying housemate Horb, because that was hir name.
Horb was a young Elf, 'merely' thirty-seven[1], with rather indulgent parents who would not take any of Rickerd's complaints seriously.
By all indications, Horb wasn't taking life seriously. And after the fifth time Horb had spent the rent on pizza, Rickerd decided that the 'kid' needed some consequences for hir actions. Nothing that would do permanent harm, mind. Something to embarrass hir and maybe teach hir to keep hir sticky fingers off of other people's property.
And since Horb was fond of alcohol... Rickerd was growing a nasty, horrible, vicious plan.
Part one - a fancy-looking bottle. Rummaging around little whatnot stores found something interesting for a reasonable price. Part two - dandelion wine. Technically a controlled substance among Elves, but there was always someone running an illicit still somewhere. With debatable hygiene protocols. Rickerd didn't want to give Horb food poisoning, so found some alchemy nerds funding their admission fees with their side hustle. Part three - a generous helping of sativa and cascara, just for fun.
Part four was the true genius of the lesson. Rickerd fancied it up with a gift box and an elite lable in Restaurant Elven. If Horb could be bothered reading it, it would have translated to, Extract of a Bad Time, and numerous warnings about the dire circumstances of any Elf drinking any. Rickerd brought it in with great fanfare, announcing that it was a birthday present for his Great Aunt Fanny, and not to touch it as it had to be stored in very special conditions.
Which had to be right were Horb could see it every day. In plain sight on one of the shelves. Nice and pretty and tempting.
It was conspicuous by its absence before the next sunset.
Of course Rickerd raised the usual hullabaloo. Ranting about its loss, yelling at Horb's parents again. Including dire warnings about how Horb would come to harm if he accidentally took any. Which meant that Horb was of course going to sink the entire bottle in one sitting.
More fool hir.
Horb must have had the bottle for breakfast, since ze turned up to their shared lecture looking a bit blitzed. Rickerd faked concern. "Are you drunk?"
"Li'l bit," Horb allowed. "It's just one bottle. I can handle it." Hir breath smelled heavily of dandelion wine.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
Rickerd tried to pay attention to the lecture, but hir attention kept getting derailed by watching Horb learn an object lesson in considering hir actions from now on.
The sativa took effect about half an hour into the lecture, as evidenced by the young Elf screaming out, "Spiders! Millions of spiders are coming out of the walls!"
Professor Jarrigen was not amused. "You are meant to be listening, Student."
"They're gonna eat you!" Horb startled out of hir chair. "They're gonna eat us all! RUN!" Horb scrambled for the exit, desperate to flee the 'spiders'.
And then the cascara kicked in.
It was horrendous. It was disgusting. It was beautiful. Rickerd had immense difficulty remembering to act as shocked and grossed out as the rest of the lecture hall. Emergency healers were called, as were Horb's parents, and the young Elf was hauled off to the nearest hospital.
Rickerd was called to account for hirself once the sedatives and the hallucinogens wore off. Fortunately Rickerd could tell everyone in whole truth that ze tried to warn both Horb and hir parents. Extensively. At length. For ages. Ze'd told Horb that it was a special gift for hir Aunt. Who was both a party girl and needed "a little help" in the privy.
Great Aunt Fanny was happy to agree with everything Rickerd said.
Horb never took anything from Rickerd ever again.
[1] Elven lifespans are very long and they have a very broad definition of childhood.
[Photo by Viridi Green on Unsplash]
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