An instructor greets his new students in the class known as "Know Your Human" A class meant to prepare various individuals for the maddeningly wonderful work known as being a human's companion.
It is well known that humans are insane, dangerous, and violent. And yet, they are also the most gentle, kind, thoughtful, and soothing species in the galaxy. You will find they are wild, yet tame, they are beyond stupid, yet terrifyingly brilliant, they brought their furry headaches known as cats, yet those animals turned out to be so valuable there's not a single station without one. They're as terrifying as a very large, very hungry, Oshit, as destructive as an exploding star, and yet they are the least terrifying and most creative species yet discovered.
For those studying humans, all of these facts are 100% true. There is not a single lie anywhere to be found. But, my students, don't be fooled. This species, and this course, will test the limits of your endurance both physically and psychologically. However, in the end, after your training here, you will be able to better work with, and handle, the humans you are assigned as your companions. And, you will find, it will be the most rewarding, and the most heartbreaking, career you've ever had. -- DaniAndShali
Humans are a contradiction. They can be, as they have said themselves, the smartest dumbasses in the universe. They can be the kindest, most protective aggressors known to intelligent life. They can also be the biggest, meanest bunch of softies to ever walk and talk at the same time. They can be both needlessly cruel and illogically compassionate depending entirely on the circumstances around them. They could be both the strongest and the weakest of all known cogniscents at the same time.
It was hard to remember any of that when meeting an actual Human for the first time. They were not much taller than Companion Thele, certainly not very much bulkier, even with their livesuit on. They looked... weird... but then all different lifeforms looked weird until one got used to them.
"You're new at this, aren't you?" said the Human. They had a remarkable grasp of GalStand for a barbarian just introduced to Galactic society. The instructor had said they were remarkable mimics, but this... This was another of their contradictions.
Thele said, "Is it that obvious?"
Now the Human showed their teeth. They were Deathworlders, so this was not an expression of threat, but rather a sign of friendliness. Here are some of my natural weapons. Please note that I am not using them on your body. Even among their own people, hostility was a sign of companionship. "Yeah, most Companions want to fill in the fact sheet asap, Name, rank, allergies, all that sort of stuff. Diagnosed mental peculiarities, that sort of thing."
Oh. Right. That was something he was supposed to do. Not just for the ships' records, but also for his own knowledge base whilst he memorised all the important details. "Uh. I have that on my datareader, somewhere..." There was something else he was supposed to say. Oh yes. "Please do not punch me as a sign of companionship."
"There it is," said the Human. They did not seem offended. "Human Fil. Pronouns, she/her. Allergies, peanuts, keflasporans, processed petrochemical fumes. Easily distracted, but not ADHD. I will need reminding to sleep or look after myself because OCD. If my breath smells bad, tell me. I promise you'll be doing me a favour."
Thele had to take some time to figure out where all the relevant portions had to be entered. A process helped by Human Fil, who had more experience with such things than Companion Thele. Strangely enough, it all seemed to work as a bonding exercise.
Taken as an individual, it was a wonder how Human Fil made it into space. Taken as a species... it was still a wonder how Humans made it past their stone age.
It took two weeks for Thele to witness every single quality that his instructor had warned him about.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / AlgolOnline]
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