Tomorrow is a big day. Not only is it the day that my girlfriends parents come together to make two families one by marriage, but it will also be a milestone in my relationship and a big personal achievement. I've suffered from crippling anxiety for around five years however have only recently begun to understand these feelings that I experience. Crippling sounds almost extreme but when you consider the fact that it has on occasion stopped me going into work and even leaving the house, has completely stopped me going to the gym and, at times, even started to affect my relationships with my family and those close to me.
Anxiety is a bi-product of fear. It's our body's natural response to danger or threat, also known as the fight or flight response. It is an automatic response from our body's to protect itself from potential or harm and can be expressed through three different systems, mental, behavioral and physical; in my case its all three. My heart rate increases to more than double my resting rate at times, my arms and hands can go completely numb so much so that I've cut myself before to try and feel something. Along side that comes the shakes where my muscles tense up, and the physical icing on the cake for me? The sweats, my body's cruel joke of an attempt to cool my body down, even though I might not physically feel hot myself. Ironically though all these symptoms just make me worse in that moment like a vicious cycle. I can have difficulties concentrating but at the same time feel that my senses are heightened (the spiderman like reflexes are pretty cool though). The symptom that has caused a lot of issues for me is the aggression. Arguments can be started from pretty much nothing, I can get defensive and turn into a completely different person, so I'm told. I have no control over it and eventually it becomes a sensory overload which sends me down the panic attack route, and on occasion has resulted in a trip to A&E in an ambulance.
I've been with my current girlfriend almost nine months and tomorrow will be a milestone for us as it will be the first time we'll be in a social situation together since our first date; over a year ago (slightly complicated story). I consider myself lucky to have found such an amazing woman who actually understands what I'm going through as she also experiences the same feelings. Some might argue that a relationship like this might be hazardous as surely we'd make each other worse? For me it's that understanding that drives us together. Like I said we've only been together for almost nine months but I've suffered with these symptoms for about five years. In those five years I've had a few different relationships and have lose a few friends. Why? Anxiety. Some people see it as a personal attack; maybe i don't want to hang out with them because I don't like them? Maybe I don't want to take my partner out for a meal because I'm a tight and boring git? When I've tried to explain the truth to them it's seen as an excuse. "I get anxious to sometimes but it doesn't stop me, it's just all in your head" or "just get over it/push through it." Unfortunately it's just not that easy. Having a partner who actually understands without judgement is such a load off. Yes it might hold us back to an extent but it's something that we work on together. She's in fact helped me out more times in these nine months than anyone else has ever. Not only is it a big step for us but it's also a big personal step as it has been a while since I attended a social gathering as such.
Although it might seem like such a minor event, I am pretty anxious about tomorrow but at the same time pretty excited for it. It's a small step for my relationship but a massive achievement for us both. The actual celebration party will have 100+ people of which I will only know three, it will also be the first time meeting a lot of my partners family and new family.
Wish me luck!
G
Do you suffer from anxiety? what do you find helps if anything? Has it had a massive impact on your life? Leave a comment and share your story below. Please upvote, resteem and follow if you liked this post. Let others know that they're not alone.
