Hi, guys!
This morning I woke up and realized that, probably, my pills are still not working. Every day I am shaking more and more, and there is nothing I can do about it. Now I am preparing to visit my doctor and I really hope that she will be able to tell me something new, somehow correct the treatment regimen.
Everything would be fine if it did not interfere so much with my life and work. But I practically can not concentrate on anything, and it is not surprising how you can concentrate when you are in constant panic and with a constantly jumping out of your heart.
In the evening, I have two workouts, and I catch myself thinking that as much as I wanted to return to them now, just as strongly I do not want to go to them. I just don't have the strength and motivation. And I already think that it really would be better for me to go to the hospital, no matter how it ends. In any case, I will definitely stop shaking, and this alone gives me hope.
I talked to my unfortunate friends about what to expect from hospitalization. I was only interested in a few questions. Will I be allowed to leave my phone? Will I be allowed to keep my sketchbook and drawing materials? Will they make me take off my earrings?
The answers were very different, depending on who was in which compartment. Some said that they would take everything away at all, the art therapist girl said that the sketchbook was always allowed to be left. Someone said that the jewelry was forced to take off, and someone said that they were allowed to leave everything. So this interrogation of those who were already in this hospital did not help much.
The fact that I do not have enough strength for training, to which I so badly wanted to return, is a rather alarming bell. I try to tune in to the fact that this needs to be done, because I know for sure that after a month I will develop the habit again and I will run on them with pleasure, but now I find it difficult to force myself to even get up from the chair, and if I succeed, then it is unrealistic to force yourself to sit down.
Sometimes when. I am in remission I have thoughts that perhaps I do not have any mental disorder. But every time in exacerbations, I am convinced that this is not so. Now I will finish writing this post and will get ready to go to the doctor in order to discuss whether it makes sense for me to pull myself together, gain courage and try to be treated in a hospital. Lately, I have been talking about this on my blog a lot, and this is because this question really worries and scares me.
Take care of yourself and your loved ones.
See you in the next post!
Love, Inber
