Hi, guys!
So far, I am still struggling to stay, if not in good, then at least in a condition fit for work. I have a list of "bad calls" that usually accompany phase changes, and one of them, unfortunately, pathological aggression. It literally feels like as if I was normal locked somewhere deep inside my body, and some- then someone else's, incredibly aggressive, I would command from the outside, and the inner one would very much regret my behavior at every moment of time, but I could not stop myself in any way. This feeling was even worse when I had not yet received drug therapy.
Norepinephrine is responsible for aggression, and, apparently, at such moments, its level literally rolls over to me. I try to distance myself from everyone, because I can greatly offend people, from which it will be bad for them and me, both at the moment when everything will happen, and also after, when I will be desperately ashamed of everything that I have done and spoke.
Now I am saving myself with musical instruments. My magic flute, buying it, was one of the best decisions in the last year. I still don't play very well, but playing, and not even the simplest training, calms me down well. I like everything about her. I like to collect it, I like to check before playing how the instrument behaves today (flutes have a special plug at the head, the presence of condensation in which can significantly affect the sound quality).
Remember earlier on Instagram and Facebook there was something like a "face of depression" marathon? Then I was ashamed to participate in it, although I had something to tell and show. Years later, I stopped being ashamed of my diagnosis, started blogging, where I frankly talk about what is happening to me and about mental disorders in general. This does not mean that I used to be ashamed of my bipolar disorder, but now I am proud of it. It's just that the disease is incurable, and I had to find a way to hide it as a part of my life, to learn how to interact with it.
This decision turned out to be much more sensible than attempts to ignore it, which still never led to anything good and did not end in anything good.
Here are two of my photos, at the change of phases. There are literally a few days of difference between them, sometimes the phase change in bipolar disorder occurs very quickly, and often over one night, moreover, sleepless. In the brain, the flow of the corresponding neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, is simply blocked, or vice versa, and the colors of the world completely change.
Take care of yourself and your beloved ones, and if you feel, that you need help - don't be ashamed to ask for it:)
See you in the next post!
Love, Inber
