Everyday you wake up and you may have your day planned or you may be winging it, either way, you know pretty much what the day will hold, until.........there is a bump, spin, spiral. Then you are knocked on your ass or your day is just not what you planned. Then your new day becomes your new week. It can be exhausting and scary of unknown events that could change your life even more. Well this has been my past week.

May 17, 2018 I was informed that the woman who raised me, whom I was close to, except for these last three years, who I tried to forgive for all that was done to me through my life, died. Three years ago the final straw was drawn when I lost my son. I called her two days before to talk to my mom, to the person that should be there to comfort you. I explained that I understood she hated the fact I was pregnant again; I knew her feelings about me and why she felt I was pregnant again. I begged her to look past it all and find it in her to understand my fear and to just be my mom. Well in her fashion that did not happen. I explained I was having bleeding and cramping at 17 weeks. I said I was worried that I was losing our son. Before I could confess all my fears she interrupted with;"Well if you lose it, it is all your fault. You are told old to have a baby and you are ridiculous to have tried. So this child's death is on you." I hung up the phone without a word to her and sat on my kitchen floor and sobbed. It is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. That was the last time I spoke to her.

Since I walked away, which was not easy. I lived with her all my life until I moved out in 2000. I spoke to her everyday until 2009 and then several times a week. Our lives got busier as more babies arrived and the business opened. She would also come to my house several times a year and stay a month or more. We were close until that day in June.

She had two other daughters, who are legally my sisters, but I do not define them as such. They were in an out of her life since they left  home and got married. They made their disgust for her very well known and only took part in her life or allowed her to see her grandchildren when money was involved. If they were having a party, wedding, graduation, or Christmas. That is until I stopped speaking to her. Than she became their best friend. 

I asked about her all the time either to my son or to her middle daughter on Facebook. Which at the time I had no idea she was lying to me. My mother had been sick for a long time. She had a stroke in late 2015 and was in and out of hospitals until her death in March. I asked my sister often about her to be told none of this.

I received a letter on May 17, 2018 from the Court in her county informing me that an estate had been open with them  in my mother's name. That is how I was told she died. Her middle daughter is friends with my two oldest children on Facebook and could have informed me that way or got my information and called me. However, she and the oldest daughter went to the court and claimed they had no idea where I was or where I lived. The court sent a letter to our old business in town. Thankfully the mailman knows us and brought it to me. The letter also stated there was no Will. We'll ummm that is not true.

I called the Clerk and explained who I was and inform them that I indeed had a Will. I had a copy and called the lawyer that prepared the Will and asked him register it with the court. Now my life has been turned upside down. I am trying to find my way through all the legal procedures, hiring an attorney, processing death paperwork, trying to figure out what is left that has not been stolen, and ensure that her Will is followed. All the while pushing my grief down and not allowing myself to morn. 

My mother's two oldest daughter have been trying for the last month-and-half to legally leave me out of everything. They wanted all the inheritance to themselves. I have been portrayed as a drug addict living on the streets, to a prostitute they have no idea where I am. They have told people I stopped talking to my mom 20 years ago. Which was deemed a lie by her neighbors as I have been to her house and her to mine in that time frame. They have tried to sell property and change titles on her vehicles with no luck. They have been referred to the court at every turn. Well they went to the court and fate guided that letter to me. If I would have not seen that letter I would still be in the dark to this day. 

Now I have to travel to become executor of her Will and for the next several months close out my mother's life. I have to make sure she is buried where she wanted to be, pay her last bills, pay her taxes, and distribute her belongings to whom she deemed will receive them. It is so difficult and not something anyone should ever have to do. I really believed that I would go first. I believed she would live to be in her 100's.

This is not a job I wanted or sought after. I asked her to name anyone else but me. She told me she could not trust anyone but me. Well after finding out more and more of what her two older daughters have been doing I understand her concern. I found out from the funeral director that she came in a couple of months before her death and made arrangements so he would not be told to do something she did not want. Right there shows her lack of trust in them. 

Part of me feels I failed her for not being there, but I also know that I could not have gone on with the destruction she caused. No matter what I did in my life it was never good enough. She only ever focused and remembered the bad. Every time I tried to move forward with my life she would remind me of all the mistakes. I could never move on. A psychiatrist told me you can not move on into the future when you are chained to the past. 

Since, I have stop talking to her and cut out her two other daughters out of my life. Other than an occasional Facebook message asking about her, I have become more and more confident. If my mom was still in my life I would not be on Steemit. I would not have finish college and I would not be looking towards a cool future. I would still be thinking I was worthless piece of shit, that will never amount to anything and will die alone, because no one will ever love me. Yup that was told to me my whole life by my dad. She use to say the worse thing a woman can do is get married and have children. If she could do it all again she would never do it. We were never wanted. Well she is free now.

Hug your mom if you can and know that this job sucks, no matter your feeling or the relationship you had. They are still your parents and you will always have that bond.