Friends with benefits developed from a personal experience I had while I was still in school. At the time, someone approached me with the intention of being his lover, but I declined and he asked if we could be friends, but with what he described as “benefits.”
Initially, I was confused by this proposal because, in my view, friendship itself already comes with benefits. Friends support each other emotionally, offer help when needed, listen, give advice, and show up in one way or another. These forms of support are what make friendships meaningful, so I questioned whether there was any friendship on earth that did not have some form of benefit attached to it.
However, as the conversation continued, I realized that his idea of friends with benefits was very different from my understanding of friendship, (thank God I asked).
What he was proposing was not emotional support or mutual care, but rather an intimate and sexual type of relationship without love or commitment. He wanted a situation where two people could turn to each other solely for sexual satisfaction whenever the urge arose, without emotional attachment or responsibility. At that moment, I did not even know the correct words to fully describe what he meant, but I clearly understood that it made me uncomfortable.
This proposal gave me a very wrong impression. I began to question why he felt comfortable approaching me with such an idea and what he truly thought of me as a person. It made me feel reduced to an option for physical satisfaction rather than someone worthy of respect, emotional connection, or genuine friendship. I found myself wondering what assumptions he had made about my values or character that led him to believe I would agree to such an arrangement.
Before that experience, I had heard people casually mention friends with benefits, but I had never fully understood what it entailed. That conversation opened my eyes to the reality of what the term often means in practice. I realized that when people talk about friends with benefits, they are usually referring to a relationship that centers on sexual intimacy without emotional commitment, rather than a traditional friendship with added mutual support.
Since then, I have come to understand that friends-with-benefits arrangements can mean different things to different people, but they often carry emotional risks. Even when both parties agree that there is no love involved, emotions can still develop naturally, especially when intimacy is involved. This can lead to confusion, imbalance, or emotional pain if one person becomes attached while the other does not. In many cases, the original friendship can also be damaged or lost entirely.
Personally, I believe that such arrangements require a level of emotional detachment and clarity that many people, including myself, may not be comfortable with. While some individuals may be able to separate physical intimacy from emotions, others may find it difficult to do so. My experience taught me that not everyone shares the same definition of friendship or intimacy, and it is important to clearly understand and protect one’s boundaries.
My thoughts on friends with benefits are shaped by personal experience and reflection. I believe that while the arrangement may work for some people under very specific circumstances, it is not something I am comfortable with.
Friendship, to me, should be based on mutual respect, trust, and genuine care, not solely on physical desire. That experience helped me better understand the true meaning of friends with benefits as people often describe it, and it reinforced the importance of knowing my values and standing firm in them
