Lately, I like to think that life is trying to teach me something—the need to grow and not just be seen as someone with flaws. A lot has happened in my life, and the truth is I got scars growing up. These days, I see these old wounds opening up, and it hurts even more than it hurt back then. Life keeps telling me that it is time to let go of these wounds and grow to be stronger and wiser. I have had days when I curse at myself because of some bad choices that I have made, and I self-sabotage too.
All of that just proves to me how hurt and broken I have been—and still am. Growth is hard because it requires death. There is hardly any growth without death first. I have to let some last trauma die for me to grow past it, but somehow, I still hold on to it, especially when something happens that reminds me of it. I get anxious and insecure at every slight moment that feels like an old trauma. It is hard seeing myself in that phase, and the most interesting part is that I hurt others because of it. I expect them to understand me with all my baggage, but that’s just selfishness, especially if they don’t want to be truly there for me and help me heal through it. I mean, we all have our own darkness that we are walking through, so I don’t expect anyone to walk through mine with me if they don’t want to.
The more I think about it, the more scared and worried I become. Why? Because I relate daily with people, and I see myself trying to hide my pain because I don’t want to drag them into my mess. We all deserve better, and I have to get better to be better for someone. That’s the only way it’s fair. The struggle is real, and I fear that I’m taking so much time trying to kill this part of me that needs to die. Sometimes it feels like I can grow without this death happening, but it’s just a lie I keep telling myself, and I end up starting over again.
There are only a few people that stay with us after knowing the real us. Sometimes we even hate ourselves knowing who we truly are, not to talk about others. Well, I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. Yes, it will help my relationship with other people, but I really need a lot of self-improvement, and I’m going to try to put in more effort than I have been doing. I have lost some great people because I let past traumas get in my way, but hopefully that will change moving forward.
I won’t blame anyone for not liking me because of my flaws and shortcomings. I also won’t force anyone to stay either. I will be too busy fixing myself to care. I made a mistake focusing on them for too long, and now that they know me for me, I have become a handful for them. So now, I want to focus on what matters, and the other things will fall in place in no time.
Thank you for reading through. 💜
