I don't like being afraid.
One of the worst parts about the lockdown, for me, was the not knowing. The fear of what might come next.
I don't got much of a plan, but if I had to formulate a life philosophy, it'd revolve around not living in fear. In keeping with that, I ask myself regularly if doing something makes me afraid. Going places, meeting people, trying new things. Whenever the answer is yes, I do it. 'Cause that's the thing about fear, you never know when wonder's just around the corner. And some of these things that scare us to bits, they're also the ones with the most potential for satisfaction and happiness.
I'm not gonna miss that.
Right now, I've got a bunch of things scaring me. 2023 was the first year where I really properly focused on making my writing a serious thing, in the sense that it was mostly me-driven content, as opposed to client-driven.
It was definitely a challenge, and very all over the place, but I'm quite happy with how it's going so far. I just hit a thousand followers on Medium, which I've been waiting for a long while. I started writing on Medium as a way to get more eyes on my writing a few years ago. Then a couple years back, an article I wrote about holding men to a double-standard came under a lot of fire from the righteous feminist crowd. Also got a fair bit of attention from men who supported it. That's how I got my first hundred.
I wasn't really paying attention. I'm still not, not that much. I don't try to network for its own sake, since I think it's fake. Though granted, I try to be consistent in terms of output and quality, and thanks to that, as well as support from some well-meaning people, here we are.
Writing for an unknown audience in the great big world out there is terrifying. I suppose writing on Steemit for the first time was like that, also, but it's been so long, now it just comes natural. With Steemit (as with Medium) growth seemed to owe to consistency, quality (maybe), and luck. I've often wondered why I got some of the good upvotes I did. I often wonder on Medium, when I find an article that gets zero attention about the hows ans whys.
Maybe it's true, sometimes, that the best things come when you're not trying for them. (In which case, can someone let Jason Momoa know I'm really not trying to meet him anymore?)
Now I'm trying to wrap my head around Substack, because it seems high time to do so. And all the same questions swiveling around my head -- do I really got anything worth saying at all? What if I flop, and make a fool of myself?
Maybe. That's where the fear mentality comes in. Trying my hand at something new is scary, which is why I'm forcing myself to do it. See, I don't think satisfaction is in some way tied to my future as a writer. I'm sure I could be perfectly content not writing for an audience. Maybe. However, I know I couldn't bear knowing I never tried.
Because buried under all that fear -- of Steemit, of Medium, of Substack -- there's this unabashed wonder at the sheer possibility of it all. And if living the life you want is an option, who are you to rule it out without at least trying?
I don't know. I'm rambling. The title for this post comes from one of my (three) songs for the week.
I'm on your side
Did you realize or you can’t remember
Well adjust your eyes and let em clear
I reckon you can keep on keeping on even when your eyes ain't clear. And if you do that, you'll eventually find your way.
You Worry Me
Am I crazy or the wind is gonna blow me down
I’m gonna leave it all out there to dry
I’m gonna leave it all out there
Guess I've got a musical crush on this guy. It's just, his voice sounds like riding down the highway with the window down, and the smell of new beginnings in the air, and it's what I need in my headphones right now.
Caught
As if the dream of you, it sleeps too
But it never slips away
It just gains its strength and digs its hooks
To drag me through the day
My brother showed me this song, and I loved it instantly. It's the sort of song that would've wrecked me in a different place in my life. I struggled for a long time against precisely this sort of softness, this vulnerability, this tenderness. Except the harder you struggle, the more viciously it will pull you down.
The only way forward is to embrace it. The roaming down the highway being free, and the tender small-voice parts of you.
How are you?
(Thanks 
Bonus Track: AHAHAHAHAH
Just...yes.