Present Day
Donny placed the red phone back down on the receiver with his orange hand. He had just gotten off the phone with what he thought was the Nobel Prize Committee. His rousing speech would surely convince them. If not, some munitions dropped from stealth bombers on the Nobel headquarters.
"It will be the greatest!" He proclaimed to the empty room, hosting a press conference in his mind, while simultaneously posting to Truth Social. "I will have the Nobel Peace Prize. I am the US President, I always get what I want!"
"They will award me this great honour." He smiled. It was going to be a fantastic month for the 45th President, and the United States of America.
"We'll have the most nobel peace prizes", he said as the door opened, a General flanked by some nervous looking aides. "Sir, we have some news."
"It is the Russians", they've taken it.
"What have they taken?" Trump asked, unconcerned.
"The Epstein files."
Three Months Earlier
"And that's why, Mr President, we will have the EAGLE DOME installed and ready to repel all the imports of foreign missiles to America, since we can't tariff them at the border." The General beamed with pride. America had always wanted an Iron Dome like Israel. They'd turn it off on the 4th of July, for a few hours, to let people get their traditional sparklers and explosives detonated in a celebration of defeating the Tea Empire.
"Great, great" Spoke Trump, eager to go off and play golf somewhere, with his set of finely made American made clubs, emblazoned with appropriate Eagles and the stars and stripes.
"There's only one thing" The General spoke.
"We need a special sort of material to make the EAGLE DOME work."
"We are the greatest country, we can get it. We will fund it with the great, big beautiful tariffs."
"Well sir, we've spoken to Israel's Iron Dome experts. They've got Nobel Prizes."
"They must be great men."
"No sir, they've got -" The General was cut off.
"We've got the greatest men and women, you know, we've got our own Nobel prizes. Come to think of it, why do we have Nobel prizes, when we don't have nobles in this country, we're all the same, great Americans."
Trump knew the mission. He knew what he must do. He must get all the Nobel prizes.
Present Day + 1
Trump hadn't received his Nobel prize yet, but he knew that there was something at the border, with a big beautiful Tariff on it. Maybe it was his prize. They were valuable things, the briefings told him.
Instead, he had contacted all the prior winners of the Nobel prize, and told them that that due to a matter of state, their Nobel prizes would be seized, and they would be richly rewarded in exchange for their great sacrifice.
Most of the academics didn't know where their Nobel prizes even where, with many of them trapped in University glass cases, untouched by the very hands that had scienced them into being.
The Nobel prizes were distributed to the EAGLE DOME launch sites, and loaded into the anti-missile systems. Close and careful replicas of the prizes were machined on imported CNC equipment, from a time before Tarrifs. An enormous reserve of Nobel Prizes were stockpiled in the caches, and baffled ballistics engineers and low-ranking operators thought it must've been an April fool's joke.
But they had something in their chemical structure, these Nobel prizes, that could change the tide of battle. It was real.
While Trump hadn't gotten his Nobel Peace prize, he had many of the greatest. He even had Obama's. And then, the radars, all over the country beeped. They had been changed to Orange in Trump's honour, and now his honour would be put to the test.
A massive missile barrage was coming. It was hard to tell from where, but the EAGLE DOME swooped into action, propelling Nobel Peace prizes into the upper atmosphere at such a velocity that they de-materialised the incoming ICBMs and saved all of America.
The missiles didn't stop coming, but the EAGLE DOME was strong, and deployed more and more Nobel peace prizes, straight out of the CNC machines, into the EAGLE DOME system, and everything was intercepted.
He got on the air. "MY FELLOW AMERICANS", he bellowed, wearing a combat helmet, and a bandage on his ear, where an old wound had flared up. "The Eagle Dome, and our mass produced, Made in America Nobel peace prize is the greatest wonder of this world."
"As our enemies try to pummel us with death machines, we reach out only with the EAGLE DOME defense system."
Cheers erupted from every corner of the Nation, as Nobel Peace prizes flew from the ground into the air, continuing to intercept all the enemy missiles, now entering the land free of tariffs.
"This is not war, this is us simply not allowing the import of un-tarrifed goods." They will pay, he thought.
A man, not unlike that who whispered to George Bush in a primary school on a past September 11 said something to Trump.
"We are the greatest nation!"
He started to chant "fight, fight, fight" with a raised fist as the whistle of a bomb became frighteningly audible on the broadcast.
The bomb had gotten through, but how? They had the Nobel Peace Prizes. All of them. In the final moment before the video signal was lost, the warhead was visible for a few nano seconds. Wrapped in what appeared to the Epstein files, it had managed to penetrate the EAGLE DOME and bring about an end to the 45th presidency.
Future Time
The Epstein files were released, on every single missile payload. Invisible to the radar and tracking systems, The Epstein files became a way in which goods could be smuggled in and out of the country with ease, for anything wrapped in them would inexplicably be unseen by all forms of authority in the United States.
It was a time of much flourishing for weapons, dealer drugs importers, immigrants, and the printing press..
And when America did strike back, it was with the greatest Nobel Peace prize ever known. It was a big, beautiful thing, dropped on the aggressors, and it left a crater. A crater, which people would come from far and wide to see, and its middle, a cracked Nobel Peace Prize, the size of the statue of liberty dominated the skyline of the enemy nation forevermore.
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