Actually, I had decided not to write this blog. It is a kind of labeling myself. It felt like I would give in even more to the idea that I am a 'failure'. But at the same time, I know that this is not the case and that I should draw my strength from it. No, I am not a dime-a-dozen person, so what? I am me, I am unique, and now I finally know better why my brain seems to work differently.
I feel like I've been kicking a wall my whole life, a wall that I just can't overcome. I try and try and sometimes it feels like I'm in a constant stream of misunderstandings and obstacles that are so obvious to others. What seems easy to them is like climbing a mountain without the right equipment to me.
It's a constant undertone of being misunderstood, as if I'm experiencing life from a distance, without really being part of it. This has made me feel inferior for years and damaged my self-image.
Many years ago I ended up with a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed as Highly Sensitive, with a dash of Borderline. Although you assume that a psychiatrist knows what he's doing, after all, he's trained for it, the Borderline diagnosis never really felt like "me". I did recognize the Highly Sensitiveness, but even in that, there were subtleties that I found difficult to place. Yet, due to a lack of it, I assumed that the psychiatrist was right.
But something always kept nagging. There was something else, something that didn't fit into that picture. Last year, I happened to come across an article about autism. As I read it, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Many of the things I recognized in myself, fit with autism. That same evening, I shared my findings with my partner. Together we discussed the characteristics and how they applied to me. That got me thinking, and I decided to request a new examination with a psychologist. The waiting period was long, during which I received a few rejections from psychologists who were not allowed to do autism examinations. Other psychologists were TOO full and did not admit new people. It took quite some effort before I was able to have the conversations and fill out the many questionnaires.
But finally, about three weeks ago, I received the final confirmation: I am autistic. Although that diagnosis came as a relief, nothing changed on the surface. Life goes on. But something big happened in my head. I started to understand myself better, and that brought a certain peace. Not only for me but also for the people around me. I can now explain what is going on inside me when misunderstandings arise or when I get overwhelmed. Not that I would suddenly say: "Hey, I'm autistic!", but it is a relief to know where some difficulties come from.
With this new knowledge, both my partner and I now also look at our situation differently. I have tried for many years to fit into society with a decent job as an employee. That's what everyone expects you to do. So I did, and many times I experienced depression and burn-outs because of it. It's not that I never tried. On the contrary. I worked very hard to get things done, but I kept coming up against the same obstacles. And although it is of course just shit that it didn't work, now I understand why that approach didn't work. It didn't fit the way my brain works. It doesn't fit what I need! This clarity gives me the motivation to take a new path. A path that fits who I am and what I need to be successful.
And yes, that new path feels like a race against time. The house we rent is barely maintained by the landlord, and we are worried about the coming winter. If it gets wet often, as can happen in the Netherlands, we will likely have a cold and damp winter inside. Moving is not an option, given the enormous housing shortage, and emigrating sounds like a beautiful dream, but without income, it is not doable. So now more than ever, income is needed!
The will to improve my situation is now stronger than ever. The ideas are there, the plan is starting to take shape, and I am determined to find an approach that does work this time. But then comes the hardest part: the execution. That is what I always run into. How do you take steps when you do not know exactly which way to go? How do you ensure that your ideas become reality, without getting stuck in old patterns?
Although the future remains uncertain, I now feel better armed with the knowledge about myself. I now understand why certain things are so difficult for me and why I often feel overwhelmed. These new insights give me hope that I can approach things differently this time.
So, has anything changed now that I know I have autism? No, not directly. But the way I see myself does change. I feel less lost and more in control of what is going on inside me. And that alone gives me the strength to keep going, to keep searching for that one path that leads me to success and stability.
