I haven't had a coffee maker this last week-ish; or however long it's been since I started staying here; which is mind-boggling to think that in a house of over a dozen 20-something year olds there's not one coffee maker. They have a Keurig, sure, but I don' play that shit- at least not until the disposable cups are out of fashion.
These guys don't even have a kettle. I brought over some Shaw's-brand(New England supermarket chain; I recently found out they are not everywhere in the world 😂) instant coffee and found myself boiling water for it in a misshaped pan I had to dig out from the bottom of the dish pile.
So, this morning I decided to daringly go spend some time in my house and make myself some coffee and all that. While he is happy to see me home, Raiden is clearly very upset with me about my recent absence.
As much as I love this place, and as much of my heart that will always live here, I think it's time I get out of here. Being stuck in isolation is no benefit to my mental health. I think it is probably extremely helpful to many, but for me, the silence is suffocating.
I moved here, somewhat accidentally, in the fall of 2018. In these pandemic times, that seems like a million years in the past. At first, it was great. I lived in a house full of friends, everyone was super active and social, people were constantly visiting(sometimes for months at a time)... it honestly didn't feel much different than city life. Other than the fact we could do whatever we wanted on our rented property and my dog could be off leash as much as he pleased. I met a girl, I fell in love, moved into a place appropriate for us to temporarily live in while we figured out how our international relationship was going to work.
Then COVID hit. And everything crumbled apart. We were not allowed to see each other due to her country's regulations and the distance and time became far too much. And now, I'm just here. In this house that's too expensive for me, in a valley where it's very unlikely that I will see anyone I don't work with(at least unless the park is open), battling debt and an insufferable property manager.. it's not for me. I don't deal well with silence. I hate being alone. I don't mind having my own private space, which is not something I'm whatsoever used to- but I still prefer to be around as many people as possible.
And as much as my friends here and "my people" and they are family to me; the isolation has drained the life force out of everyone. I'm SO BORED. None of my friends do a damn thing after like 6-7pm, and I think it's great for them they are happy with it but I can't do it anymore. Every day is the same, every road is the same, every face is the same. The most exciting part of my winter so far is inviting a random person to move into my house for 2 months and showing them around before they slink off back down the coast forever.
And so, I think I'm finally gonna get outta here. I probably would have last year but stayed for my relationship(trying to do that whole "adulting" thing). Then, the winter approached; which is really the only time of year I'm 100% sure I want to be here, so I stayed for the season. But come April, I really need to get out of here. I haven't left my county since COVID hit; aside from a few necessity trips/errands, a couple trips shuttling my ex back and forth from JFK, and a single tattoo appointment.
So, it's grape smashin' season coming up. My most recent plan is to essentially just follow my friend and coworker around and find out whatever the hell it is that he does during the rest of the season. If all goes according to plan, we will do the yearly pilgrimage to Mt. Hood in Oregon for the spring; a glacier which hosts a year-round ski resort. It's a whole summer destination dream thing for pretty much every kid who's ever stepped foot in a terrain park- but in adulthood, the spring is where it's at. Full access to the mountain for 3 months for $100 (probably went up since the last time I was out there but I doubt too much) before they transition to fancy summer camp activities. This trip is almost always accompanied by large campsites full of dozens of friends from all over the country/world, and as it's been near half a decade since I've been out there, I'm eager to return.
But from there, he's been talking about heading down to California and doing grape harvesting for vineyards. And, that couldn't sound more appealing to me. Last year, he headed up to Alaska to do some fishing, and showed up to an entirely different job than he expected. So, at the very least, I'm definitely more drawn to California grape picking then fishing in Alaska. I already spend most of my time wet and cold outside in the dark; I could use a break from that.
And then from there??
Who fuckin' knows. Quite possibly back here. Somewhere in this mess I'll be living in South America and focusing on finishing my book, as well, if things turn out the way they are planned. But I skip talking about that because that's a more personal, emotional topic so imma just avoid it for the time being and at some point I'll just be there. Surprise, everyone.
Happy New Year. Make your priority this year to take better care of yourself. Prioritize yourself and your mental health over everything else. Value yourself over any negativity in your past or present life. Ignore unsolicited disapproval and judgment from others, even your loved ones, and focus on you and what's important to you, only. These are the things I have been telling myself, well, for a very long time, but I plan to live them in 2022. A recent falling out with my family over a personal decision that in no way affects them, in the slightest, has made me realize how important I am to myself, and how I've lived so much for others in the past and how much it has dragged me down mentally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc etc. Do you, always. Love yourself. And go easy on yourself. For real. The world's been fucked up lately and no one's making it any easier on anyone else. Here's to a better future clink
and apologies again for the corny Pixabay photos. Still no phone, and my Nikon is in my room mate's backseat 300 miles away
