I am a mother. This is my introduction and the most important thing I have ever realized. It has shaped and shifted my entire outlook on life... as it should. Initially, meaning at the raw age of 18, when I saw my first terrifying positive pregnancy test... this realization meant an end. It was the end of my youth, the end of living life in a selfish way, the end of a perfect body and the prolonging of a very unhealthy relationship. Then, on October 6th, 2009, it was the beginning.
The birth of my first child was the beginning of me learning what it is to love and to be loved. It was also the beginning of me knowing what a true torture it is to be a mother in this day and age. I found that it was impossible to be a “good” mother. I was young, I had no education, I was a waitress, and I shared a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 people. That was all anyone saw when they looked at me. As a server in constant interaction with the public through and after pregnancy I dealt with a lot of criticism, a few thousand comments about not being married, and a few thousand more very worried expressions. Mostly, I dealt with disapproval. What they didn’t see was that I ached to be in school getting an education, I stayed with a person who drastically lowered my self-esteem because the last thing I needed was to add the word “single” to my title, and I was ignoring a pretty severe case of post-partum depression because I didn’t have time to feel and I didn’t have the energy for another stigma. I was a little girl in a big girl situation who thought she knew everything.... when really I knew nothing at all. I was trying so hard to be someone that others considered to be worthy of my baby when really... The only approval I ever needed was my own.
I have found my Prince Charming, everything is perfect! Or.... not. This is my current stage in life. When I first married my husband I was overwhelmed with having such an amazingly supportive partner in my life. For the first time in my life, I had the choice to work or to stay at home with my children. I chose my children as my path and think it had a lot to do with how much I had to miss out on when they were babies from working 2 jobs at multiple points. Initially, it was pure bliss. However, something funny happens when you stop focusing on survival and the approval of others and are allowed the time and space to explore your passion... you find holes. For example, I have an incredible partner who loves my children and they need him to be present. Unfortunately, because he’s a man and “good men” work hard to support their families... he’s always gone. That is just one of many, but it boils down to the fact that we have a responsibility to raise these children with love and compassion. We have a responsibility to raise them to value time over money or objects. We have so many responsibilities as parents... and it’s not any of the things I thought were important in the beginning. All of this being said, we are on a journey together as a family to rearrange our lives and priorities to accommodate... starting with leaving the rat race. As I said in the beginning of this post, I am a Mother. In this phase of life that realization has made me see so much wrong in our world and so many things that I want to change for my children. .When my children talk about their childhood as adults, I don’t want them to think about their parents being stressed over money or material things, I don’t want them to associate their own self-worth with how successful or wealthy they are or aren’t and I never want them to do or say things to please others or try to be something that is “acceptable”. We will be transitioning from a house with a yard to a tiny home on a remote piece of land over a span of 3 years, building a sustainable income that doesn’t require my husbands absence and allows him to really enjoy fatherhood, and living life in a way that shows our children what is really valuable. We have already begun our tiny home construction... so here’s to the next 3 years of hard work! I will be documenting much of this transition as well as a few other interests and I’m so excited to write and blog amongst all of you!
