As some of you might already know, I am a bit down at the moment. Define “a bit down,” Harlow. Okay, well, I find it hard to motivate myself to get out of bed, I cannot sleep, and, frankly, all motivation is extremely difficult. I am actually grateful that it is HiveBloPoMo. I know that I am not actually required to write every day, but I set it as a goal for myself – to produce one post in every UTC 24-hour window. I didn’t think it would be easy, but I didn’t think it would be so challenging either.
For me, the trouble is not the writing itself. You, my reader, might argue this point, but what I mean is that I can come up with topics, and I can write on these topics. I have had writer’s block in the past, and, later, I have taught courses on creativity and how to overcome writer’s block. My point is that I empathize with people who have writer’s block, but that is not the issue for me, and it rarely is.
The issue is a crushing sense of hopelessness. I am writing these words during a window of time that I feel okay. I am grateful that there are windows like this in the day sometimes. I thought I would take advantage of it.
What led me here?
It is sometimes difficult to trace how and why I fell into a depression. The first thing is that self-blame is so tempting. For those of us who chronically suffer from depression, we often think, “Oh, you idiot! Why have you fallen into yet another depression???”
However, when we do that, our depression is like quicksand and pulls us down faster. I did not even fully realize I was doing this until I listened to the audiobook version of “The Mindful Way Through Depression.” By the way, the latter is an excellent resource for anyone who is going through depression. (So, why don’t you listen to it again, Harlow? Yeah. That’s actually a good suggestion. Thank you.)
There is another book I have found helpful when I am depressed called, “The Conquest of Happiness” by the philosopher Bertrand Russell, written in 1932 (so you can get it for free here. If you tend to get depressed and you try to logic it away by saying things to yourself (and others) such as, “Well, the world is a terrible place,” this book is for you. It is very important to note that I offer this recommendation with a gigantic caveat: this book was written in 1932. There are extremely good ideas in the book, many of which I have not seen elsewhere, and the book is relatively short, which is great when we are depressed and have a low attention span.
To answer my question, “what led me here?”: It is worth noting that figuring out precisely how a depressive episode was triggered is part of cognitive behavioural therapy. When we can trace problems back, it is easier to treat and resolve them.
Cognitive therapy is predicated on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings. Having done extensive reading and research, I know that cognitive therapy has a very high success rate. I also know that, often, feelings precede thoughts. We feel sad and then we come up with a reason why. We feel happy and then we come up with a reason why. Therefore, I can tell you that cognitive therapy is very successful and tends to be helpful. However, despite this, I have some doubts about the premise – that thought precede feelings.
I think, though, that sometimes we have beliefs that limit us, and our thoughts and ideas can lead us down the path to depression. I believe that the feelings still precede the thoughts in individual incidents of depression, but, if we can alter our way of looking at things and our patterns of thinking, those feelings might never come up in the first place. It seems a chicken and egg type of argument in any case. We have thoughts. We have feelings. When we affect one, it seems to affect the other.
The thoughts that have been leading me down the “depression path” lately have to do with my daughter, my father, worries about losing my mind to dementia, and the state of the world. Oh, is that all? Ha ha. Seriously, those are the main things bothering me at the moment.
My daughter is extremely nasty to me. No one who has seen her behaviour towards me can believe anyone would treat their mother that way. It is mental illness. She has been diagnosed with bipolar II, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder. She is over 30, and I struggle with how much contact to have with her. I want to help her in all the ways that I can. However, she is just mean. If you read my posts, you know that I post incredibly personal things, and I literally cannot bring myself to type the things she has said to me that hurt me the most. Maybe that gives those things more power, though. So I will just tell you:
Many of you know that I had my daughter when I was very young. She was born when I was 17. My parents were freaked out that their honour student child was pregnant. I understand that better now, as an adult. Because they were so freaked out, they told me that I had better get an abortion, that they would not help me, and that I could not stay in the house. Therefore, I got married at the insanely young age of 16 (while I was pregnant). The marriage was abusive and did not last. As soon as there was a grandchild, my parents 100% changed their tune and have been very supportive ever since. We never speak of their attempts to coerce me into having an abortion. I suppose I ought to have considered putting her up for adoption, but I didn’t consider it.
I believe every woman has a right to choose, and I made my choice. In fairness to my parents, having a child when I was a child was extremely difficult. It was harder because my daughter was mentally ill, and people just assumed I was doing everything wrong since I was so young. I knew having a child at that age would be hard, but I still underestimated the difficulty.
I worked hard to earn a university degree and have a career and to be a good mother. It was incredibly difficult and stressful. Then, the other day, for the second time, my daughter informed me (by text) that I should have had an abortion. She said that having her was a selfish act on my part.
She has said and written many, many extremely mean things to me. It is part of her illness, and I try to let it wash over me and through me. Often, five minutes later (or when she wants something), she apologizes. However, this was different. This really hurt. The first time she said it, it sliced through me and I did not want to talk to her for a long time although I don’t believe in the silent treatment. The second time, I explained to her why it was something too awful to say to me.
My own mother was not perfect, but I did not want to hurt her. If I knew I had said something to hurt her, I tried to make amends. My daughter doesn’t care whether her words hurt me. I told her this time that they did, and she told me that she would block me if I continued talking about it. I am not sure if she realizes that when she blocks me, it is not much of a “punishment.”
Before my mother passed, seeing how hard my daughter is on me, my mother told me that I have to live my own life and allow my daughter to live hers. There is wisdom in that, but it is hard because I know my daughter is suffering and I wish I could help in some way. I feel hurt, helpless, and deeply frustrated. Since I was 17, I devoted my life to raising her, and it didn’t work out well. Of course, it is my fault. Who else is to blame for this?
Guilt is a hallmark of depression. I try to avoid it. Uphill battle.
I have also felt very upset lately because my mother had dementia, and I see the seeds of it in myself. It might not be easy to recognize in my writing, but if you personally talk to me, I may forget details I should not forget. Sometimes, I consider keeping files about all the people I know so that I will “remember” artificially. Have you seen “In the Year of Living Dangerously?” (1982). It’s good, but a weird movie starring Mel Gibson and Linda Hunt. In the movie, the Linda Hunt character (who plays a young Indonesian boy – it seems we cannot escape the topic of racism today), keeps meticulous records and files about everyone he meets. This is for his own information as opposed to any insidious purposes. I haven’t seen the movie for years. Maybe it is awful. I should watch it again. Even at the time, I found it weird that they had a tiny white woman play the part of an Indonesian boy. What the hell, Hollywood?
Long story short: keeping files on people is creepy, but I may have to start because, yes, my memory really is getting that bad. In the past, I tried to be philosophical about my memory declining and just accept it. I think that is the best way to deal with it (as well as doing the little that can be done). However, it just really frightens me in a way that little does.
I know I ought to be afraid of many things, but I am not. I am afraid of bad things happening to people I care about. I am afraid of being permanently incapacitated, but still alive. I am absolutely terrified of ending up like my mother. Terrified. At the end, she could not make her desires known even with a yes/no indication in any way. She could walk, and sometimes, on a good day, she used the bathroom. She spoke, but none of it made sense. She spent her life teaching ESL, English, and German. She was an exceptionally intelligent woman. However, in the end, it didn’t matter.
The dementia took it all. She was very unhappy. I could tell even though she could not speak. That is a curse of empathy. You can see pain even when it would be better for everyone if you didn’t. It would have been better for my mom if I had less empathy because I could have visited more. Every visit snapped my heart in two, so it was difficult.
When I think that is the trajectory my life will take also, and it certainly seems like it will be, I feel profound despair.
What leads me out of here?
Once a depression comes, how can we make it go away? I consider myself a depression veteran. I know many things that work and help. It can be difficult to do all of these things when I am depressed, but these are the most effective things I have found to send depression back into remission:
- **Diet. ** I have binge eating disorder, and, after a lifetime of diets, I don’t believe in them. However, I do believe that certain foods and ways of eating can improve the situation. When I eat a more Mediterranean-style diet (modified for my vegetarianism), I find that I feel a bit better. I try to cut down on sugar and diet Pepsi. It is hard for me to do both, but doing so pays mental health dividends. Also, I have started regular fasting for about 24 hours once every two weeks. It’s hard, but it is said to trigger stem cell growth, and I could do with all the help I can get.
- Exercise. This is probably the best treatment for depression, and it is exceptionally hard to do it while you are depressed. I keep trying to force it, but it is a real struggle.
- Meditation. What doesn’t meditation help with?
- Hypnosis. Most people have entirely the wrong idea about hypnosis, thanks to books and movies. I am a certified hypnotist, whatever that means. I consider hypnosis to be, in a way, the opposite of meditation although it can often look very similar. There are many types of meditation, but the most popular these days is mindfulness meditation. In the latter, the goal is to be as consciously aware of every moment as you can. There are many types of hypnosis, but the one thing they all have in common is that you are guided to the subconscious part of your mind. Instead of being conscious of every moment, you are less conscious of every moment. It helps because while we are in the hypnotic state (which is a natural state), we can access more of our mind. Our subconscious mind can reprogram our brains and solve problems that our conscious mind cannot.
- Writing. Done! Ha! Seriously, though, for me, writing helps me to feel better.
- Reframing the situation. Yes, my daughter is hateful towards me, but does that mean I am/was a bad mother? Not necessarily. I assume it does, and that belief leads to depression. I have to examine beliefs like this one. In terms of the dementia, even if I do have it, if I spend my life worrying about it, I will not enjoy my life. Also, I believe in acceptance of that which we cannot change. There are some things we can do to stave off dementia. I am learning more about what can be done, and doing what I know to do already. However, maybe this is just one of life’s hard limits. If it is, all I can do is accept it.
Sometimes, life offers what I consider to be a “hard limit.” It is a hard limit because it is a limitation that, no matter what you do, there is nothing you can do about it. Many people make the error of assuming something that is not a hard limit is one. However, another error that people make is not realizing that a limit is hard. For example, if we (God forbid) lose our left arm, that is a hard limit. We can mourn the arm. We can get a prosthetic. We can learn to live without the arm. However, getting the arm back is not an option.
Similarly, if my memory is truly going (and it really seems to be), that may be a hard limit for me. I may just have to accept that it is not going to be there for me. I find the idea of living without memory to be terrifying. I am trying to be brave, but, without memory to anchor us and our thoughts, what are we? Who are we?
What are my immediate plans?
Tomorrow or today, depending on how you look at it, I will have a phone consultation with my psychiatrist. I suspect this is pointless, but that might be the depression talking. I also have an appointment with a new doctor. I want to write things down before I go because it is challenging to remember everything otherwise. I don’t hold out much hope of him actually helping me, and I am afraid he will tell me to go away because I have too many problems. That is not a joke. The first meeting is a consultation, and he may tell me that he refuses to take me as a patient.
My current doctor is very intelligent, but apathy set in with him about 10 years ago. He is extremely unhelpful. I have asked to be referred to the metabolic clinic (as this was suggested to me by my psychiatrist). My doctor said no. I asked to be referred to the women’s clinic for menopause. Again, no. Normally, I am quite assertive and I would argue, but I am depressed and I have a bit of a death wish, so it is hard to advocate for my own health. I need a doctor who is not so reluctant to help me that I have to argue about everything. With my current doctor, nearly all of our conversations occur whilst his hand is on the doorknob to leave. I wish that were an exaggeration or a joke.
I need to renew my commitment to going to the swimming pool. I haven’t gone in (gasp) about a month. I like going. I have just felt like hell. Plus, the last couple of times, I went at the wrong time, and the pool was teeming with children, so much so that it was difficult to move in any direction, let alone exercise. However, that is just timing.
I have other ideas that I think will help, and I will gradually work on them.
Conclusion
Depression is difficult. Many people don’t understand it. I have met doctors and psychologists who, although they had knowledge of the illness, did not actually understand.
Part of the problem is the language. “Depression” can mean sadness, grief, or the illness of depression. The illness of depression is not the same as sadness. Many people don’t understand this. In fact, when I am not depressed, but I feel sad, I actually feel much, much better than when I am depressed.
For example, maybe you hear something disappointing like you sent in a story to a magazine and they rejected it. It is sad. Maybe you feel sad for a while. However, that is not depression.
When I am depressed, I don’t want to move or write or leave my bed. I don’t want to see anyone, go anywhere, or talk to anyone. I feel profound despair without necessarily knowing why. I wish more people understood depression. It seems like people should just snap out of it, but we can’t. Otherwise, we would because it is awful.
One fact that I think puts depression in perspective: They developed a treatment called “deep brain stimulation” (DBS). In this treatment, a neurosurgeon cracks open your skull, figures out where your depression is, sticks an electrode in permanently and your brain gets directly “stimulated,” meaning shocked, in that area. This is for people like me who do not respond to medication. However, I looked into it. DBS has a 56% success rate. Think about that. People like me feel so bad that we are willing to let someone crack open our heads and permanently implant an electrode for basically a 50% chance of feeling better. That’s how bad depression is. That being said, I won’t be signing up for the treatment.
Also, many people choose to go through ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy). On the one hand, ECT has come a long way. They put people under anesthetic, and administer a lower shock than they used to. Is it a good treatment? I honestly cannot answer that. I have met people who had ECT and it helped them. The upside is that it is very effective at treating depression. The two main downsides are: 1. Most people lose some memory as a result of the treatment, and you never know how much memory you will lose and/or whether it will be a permanent loss, 2. Even though it works, in about six months, most people need it again. One person I met had gone through it several times. He said it worked well for him and he lost the two weeks preceding the treatment each time.
In my opinion, people need to decide for themselves. I take RSO (a THC product) to help relieve my depression, and it helps quite a bit although it fogs up my mind. Personally, I would not want to risk ECT, but if someone is acutely depressed and at risk for suicide, it might be a good option. After all, most people recover from ECT even if it causes some damage while suicide is permanent.
Depression is devastating and debilitating, and I will be pleased when this depression lifts. That brings me to my final point. One of the biggest tragedies of depression is that it convinces you that it is permanent. If you think that you are going to permanently be in pain, suicide looks tempting. That is why it is so important to realize that depression always lifts.
Some people with depression think it does not because the depression may re-occur. However, it does lift. It is like living in a rainy city. The rain does stop periodically. Similarly, the depression will lift regardless of what you do. That is probably the most important message that I can send a fellow sufferer of depression. It is both my experience and well-known about depression.
If you are supporting someone who is suffering from depression, please don’t ignore them and count on this lift because it won’t lift if they complete a suicide before it has a chance to lift. The best way to support someone with depression is to be there when they want you to be there, and not to be pushy. It is very frustrating to see someone who looks able-bodied not do things that they seemingly should be able to do. So, if you don’t understand depression, you must stretch your imagination a little if you want to help a friend. However, also, don’t take it all on yourself. Gather resources, and encourage them to get help.
I am a bit down. I try not to post when I feel like this because I think, “Yeah… no one really wants to hear about it, girl.” However, it is HiveBloPoMo, and I am committed to a post per day, even if it is full of all my downward thoughts.
Much love,
Harlow
(P.S. Help the Ukraine with Hivebuzz's NFTs for peace if you can. zirochka has published three articles showing how these funds are already being used to help people in need..)
Too many people simply give up too easily. You have to keep the desire to forge ahead, and you have to be able to take the bruises of unsuccess. Success is just one long street fight.
Milton Berle, Comedian
(It really feels like a street fight today...)
Image Credit Depressed Woman with Shadow Demon
Photo Credit Ukrainian Flag - Peace in Ukraine with a free Ukraine soon I hope
Image Credit for gold stars below
Today is Day 7 of HiveBloPoMo. It's not too late to start, my friends! @traciyork/hive-blog-posting-month-aka-hiveblopomo-starts-april-1st-2022
I have to say the HiveBloPoMo challenge has definitely increased my output, but it is a real challenge! This was super long, so thank you for reading it... gold stars for you!