This morning I started thinking about the disease I had when I was 6 months old. It was called meningitis, and I was very close of dying.
Then I thought about what would happen if I would have died of that disease. What impact that would have on my mother and the rest of the family. I started crying very much. Because It feel like I have saved my mother and my family from a whole lot of pain.
So later that day I ate lunch with my parents, preparing to tell them this realization. I was nervous because my mind telling me all this false evidence like, "ah but what if they do not take it well".
30 seconds before telling them I started to feel the tears coming and remember thinking, yes I am going to cry now. I tell them and then I cannot hold the tears any more. I cry like a baby. It was brutal. I remember my mother telling me, you are alive because you are yourself.
That was powerful. My dad sat in silence, maybe in chock I do not know. He is very sterile when it comes to feelings. I have great compassion for him, because I can feel he is carrying lots of of limited believes.
I hear people I meet telling me how important it is to express ones feelings. That´s true. But I don´t see a lot of people doing that. It´s scary to show vulnerability. Because then the person might judge you. Facing fears of some sort is hard but I have realized, the more fear I feel before doing one thing, the better I felt afterwards.
In the beginning I started small, telling something personal to someone I could trust. After doing small step over and over again it have resulted in me feeling extremely confident talking about personal stuff. I´m now beyond caring. I feel free and more alive than I have ever felt before.
After crying comes good feelings.
This was in the morning, from very sad and felling so lycky at the same time to the last picture: euphoria.
//Gustav Newman
