Autoimmune
I summon the sun within grey walls
hung with floral paintings, faded by time's caress
And they will call my name once more
to pull me back, and prod each tender spot
temporary, I am eternal, in this moment
now
I can pretend I am not here
I'm 23, you'll never catch me
I wear steel toed boots to concerts
my toes stay safe when I mosh
I have no bag, no items, no worries
I left the house with myself, prepared
25, I live outside, and I love it
The coyotes don't bother me
they know I'm mad, and I do too
we're all at peace out here.
27... go back, I watch myself unravel
They give names to my pain with no solution
leaving me in these walls forever
I summon wrath within these grey walls
Shaking the frames of dusty images
They will call my name once more
and I'll wish I had a name to curse
an enemy to fight that does not live within my flesh
I'm 31, they spike me into the distance like a tennis ball
specialist after specialist, along these grey halls
I'll summon hope in my heart, rebellion
against myself, against them, against 'it'
Smiling at the worn photos because I know they tried
Each day I rise, and as I dwindle,
I now mosh in my own mind
I build fires in my heart, not my hearth, but I stay warm nonetheless
The only fight lost is the one set aside
And then they call my name, once more.
He doesn't know I've given up today
for maybe the 1000th time this year
He doesn't know that this might be the day
I've lost my resolve at worst
or have to collect it once more at best
A cycle of stupid shit
I want to opt out
go away, dissolve
I once feared that after death there was nothing
Childish, I now wish for that most of all
oblivion, decomposing back to my source
absolved of humanity
I just want a coffee, but I don't have the proper currency
of course, I resign myself to find the door I came in from
Wait, he says; Steve
Is every Steve an angel?
This coffee is on me, just promise you'll come back again soon
He doesn't know, it's the first place I've been invited in ages
that isn't a hospital or wake
I know he sees my wedding ring, I watch his eyes pass it
yet he offers. It isn't selfish, flirting, motivated
I think he knows I just need a coffee
and he gives me one, not realizing
I'm questioning if modern society isn't
just an example of hubris, left to root in place of livelihood
disconnection our destiny
And he answers with a simple grin
"I see you" just like that, if unsaid
I'm being held up by only two Steve's in this moment
a kind stranger, and my lovely husband
as if the world knew
I needed an extra Steve today
there he is to remind me
Perk up, Push on, this one's on me.
