“I mean, the whole thing was just a stupid accident, and I don’t see why anyone cares.”
It's become something of an exhausting personal mantra for Edgar Greaves, the infamous engineer whose name is now synonymous with one of the biggest hiccups in the history of space and time. Indeed, the incident that transpired under his watch - already cited by many as “one of the most significant shake-ups in the Cosmos since the dawn of Light itself” - has earned him the ire of just about every conceivable being up the chain of command, and the resulting scandal eventually attracted the attention of the Big Guy himself - who, it has been exclusively confirmed, met with Greaves directly last week.
The event has been met with a mixed reaction of shock, outrage, fear and confusion, and has led to several calls for more oversight, more accountability and more transparency from every level, all of which have led to the announcement of an official inquiry to begin next month.
However, lighting a Galaxy Lite cigarette and looking tired and annoyed, the individual responsible for the first ever official review of the Universe's usually top-secret Operations Department does not seem too concerned with the fact that he's raised the gates from all sides.
A slightly eccentric senior engineer employed with the Intergalactic Galaxy & Planetary Planet Planning Committee, Greaves has a passion for planet creation that he says he often loses sight of “because of a tendency to skip from one project to the next without really finishing the last.” And although he has made his living as an engineer for the IGPPPC for several billion years, he is not one to shy away from the fact that he did - in his words - “fuck the dog on this one.”
“Yeah, yeah, I shit the bed, I admit that,” he says, shrugging and taking a puff of his Galaxy Lite. “But a lot of others here have too, you know? It's not like I'm the first engineer in this place to do something stupid - shit, I’d be surprised if any of my esteemed colleagues had less than a few blights on their record. You realize how big the Universe is, right? You know how many of these things we're supposed to be coming up with on any given day? And they expect us to keep track of all of 'em? How am I gonna do that, with blueprint after blueprint always landing on my desk, twenty at a time?”
And although Greaves is also willing to admit that he probably should have paid more attention to what he was working on that day, he says the matter of being able to keep track of every celestial body he creates is a challenge made that much more difficult by internal issues at the IGPPPC, and something that most, if not all, engineers experience.
“If you sat in on just one day of our jobs - just one day - and you saw how fast we had to work, with all the chaos in the chain above us?” he says, not without a fair bit of indignation. “You'd absolutely understand how this could happen.”
A spokesbeing for the Universe recently commented that there was no comment on the scandal, save for the fact that the incident is “being closely investigated” and that senior officials within the Operations Department are “alarmed ... at the obvious breach in planet creation protocol.” Greaves, however, doesn't think it's likely anything is being looked into any time soon.
“‘Breach in protocol, closely investigated’, what a load,” he growls. “I've tried to bring it to the attention of the bosses, you know, but then they gotta kick it up to their bosses and before anything can actually be done on it, it's gotten to someone who has too much else to do or otherwise just doesn't give a shit.”
The little planet that's caused all the hubbub is a small, seemingly insignificant blue and green ball located in a solar system in a spiral galaxy called the Milky Way. It was just a month ago that the Universe’s Quality Assurance Department, after conducting a random sector sweep in the area, announced the discovery of a rapidly multiplying, highly destructive and hitherto unknown virus that has apparently been eating away at the planet’s surface and atmosphere for a number of years - a problem that, despite what Greaves says are its best efforts to “off itself”, doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.
“I guess that's why they're all so off the wall about this,” he says with another shrug and puff. “They don’t know how long this may have been going on, how long it’ll continue, and if there’s any way to stop it. Like I said, lots of accidents happen, but usually the response is a reprimand from one of an infinite amount of supervisors, none of whom see the need to let anyone above them know. But my mistake happened to, in the course of its evolution, find itself stuck with these parasite things that are just constantly beating the shit out of their host. So everyone's just kind of shocked and pissed that something so careless could've happened on our - well, my - watch, I guess.”
But despite the danger and damage that the planet is facing, experts say there is little cause for concern that the virus will spread to any other sector of the universe, its galaxy or even its own solar system.
“Our research indicates that this virus does not possess any knowledge on how to move beyond its original host,” says Ida Mills, a senior virologist with the IGPPPC. “Aside from a brief foray onto its own moon – which appears to be far too cold and desolate of an environment to host it for long – it seems destined to remain on its original home, even with the slow destruction it continues to wreak. So we don't think any other engineers should be worried that it'll make its way to any of their planets, let alone their galaxies. It seems likely that it will simply die with its host.”
It's a viewpoint that Greaves shares, and one that he's convinced should render the entire situation moot.
“Seriously, if it's stuck there, who cares? It's not a risk to any other celestial bodies. It's not an issue of any real significance, really. Planets come and go all the time. The only difference with this one is that it's infested with something incredibly unintelligent and dangerous – but if it's not contagious, who gives a shit? It's not a threat, so leave it alone and let it sort itself out.”
In fact, that appears to be what the Universe's Operations Department may decide to do – based on incoming orders handed down directly from the Big Guy.
“Yeah, we met,” says Greaves, with an air of almost casual indifference. “He had heard enough about the issue to figure that he should talk to the guy who caused it. At first I was scared shitless, because I figured I was about to get canned or reassigned to some go-nowhere job as a Stardust Cleanup Clerk or something, but it actually turned out to be a great meeting.”
Greaves says that contrary to the rumours about his hair-trigger temper, the Big Guy actually has a “relatively relaxed attitude and morbid sense of humour.”
“He just, you know, came in, shook my hand, said, 'Okay, Edgar, let's look at this mess you've made here' and we spent some time observing the behaviour of the virus and just how much damage it's doing to the planet. He ended up finding the whole thing pretty entertaining, really, and quite frankly so do I, because just how quickly this infestation is turning this place to complete shit is astounding. We all knew life was a potential side effect of our daily creations, but we had no idea it could become so self-destructive.”
Although he won't go into any more specifics about his meeting with the Big Guy, Greaves concludes by saying that both of them are convinced that the issue will solve itself, and even suggests that scientists with the IGPPPC could learn a lot from the virus if they took the time to study it.
“They’d be fascinated by this - I doubt they’ve seen anything like it before,” he says. “And come on – if the Big Guy isn't worried, nobody else should be. A few millennia from now, nobody's gonna remember this place. Nobody's gonna give a shit that I made it. The planet will be gone, the virus will be gone, the memory of it will be gone.”
“And,” he adds in a cynical tone, “inquiry or no inquiry, we'll still be the same bunch of overworked, under-appreciated fucking engineers.”
