Eliana rolled over, and he scooted closer, leaning on her back while she lay on her stomach. She forgot, for a split second, that she had come to visit a friend whom she'd admired for years.
She had avoided men all year like they were plagues, due to what she had been through, but this one seemed to get past her radar — maybe because she admired him.
He asked for intimacy, which she opted into after he'd asked several times. She was scared, as she got easily attached to those she'd been with — even the slightest making out was a big deal to her.
But that day, she decided to live a little, as people say, not minding the consequences.
After they parted ways, Eliana began reminiscing about why she avoided putting herself in such situations. The events of that morning kept replaying in her head, and she began to feel a certain way toward him; on the other hand, the guilt of putting herself in that situation began to eat at her.
In the past, Eliana had been seriously hurt by a guy whom she held dear. She spent months trying to prove her worth, but he had moved on without her knowledge, and finding out from an outsider hurt her even more.
Each time she shared her story, she got trolled by people who often said it was just one guy — she should try another. Others used the phrase, "The fact that you fail doesn't stop you from showing up — love is bound to hurt, but you need to keep trying."
With all this new encouragement, she decided to let another person in. He acted decent at first, but his disco colours began to show; she got entangled and was drained emotionally from so many angles.
He was the definition of "what doesn't kill you will check up on you once in a while to ensure you're still attached." She swore to leave him as soon as she got the chance, which she did.
She would have left sooner, but they shared the same building, as he was her senior colleague and kept pestering her with the excuse that he wanted to see her through school. Emotionally, she was drained and wished he would leave sooner.
The way he treated her, the lies, and so much more, was disheartening.
Eliana kept on bagging failed relationships, and she kept leaving them, with it having little or no effect on her as time progressed. While some left her wondering if she needed them for character development for when true love shows on her door step.
She became less of a lover girl who wished to build her life with someone for the future, to "this too shall pass" — and it did. But each of them had trauma they left on her before they departed. This led to her avoidance of men.
In the present day, guilt began to build up faster than the tension from that night. She had done it again — she had put herself in the same spot as before. She had started feeling a certain way toward him, and the words he said carried more impact than before, as well as his actions.
Her overthinking self blamed her over and over again for living a little: You shouldn't have visited him. You should have said no. After this, what next?
Her inner voice urged her to confess her feelings, to make the first move, even though he hadn't spoken about or acknowledged that night. But she was unsure of what she wanted to do with all the feelings bottled up inside her.
What if he likes me back and wants something serious — will I be able to hold on without my past telling me he would hurt me, and finding a way to leave?
What if he doesn't feel the same way toward me — will my heart be able to take the rejection?
Her heart pondered the right decision, with her biggest fear being holding on rather than facing rejection, as she was used to moving on and letting go, rather than building...