Addictive relationships are always are always driven by the ego. You are “in love” with your partner but on the opposite side, your hate manifests as possessiveness, blame, anger, fear of loss, manipulation, need to be right. That type of relationship does not convey the true meaning of love. It is an unconscious relationship which stems from your attachment to the person. You are trying to find fulfillment through your partner, hence, instead of realizing your individual completeness, you think you are incomplete without the other.
A conscious relationship is not like an addictive one. The love comes from someone who is at peace with himself and is not trying to find salvation in another person. Issues may arise in a conscious relationship but partners do not lose themselves in the issue. In order to enter a conscious relationship or transform your addictive relationship to a conscious one, knowing the following can be helpful:
a. Love is a state of being: You have been searching for love. That is because you think love is outside of you and when you get it, you will be fulfilled. But love is not outside of you. It is not dependent on an external object or person. Love is not a thought or a feeling. Then what is love? Love is an aspect of the true nature of your being. Love is already present in you. But because your ego dominates you, you do not seem to be connected to the love in you. When your ego (false self) dissolves, what is left is who you are. When you are at home in yourself, being who you really are, your true nature manifests. In that state, you experience the love that you already have. Your love does not start with another person. It starts with you and shines through to others.
b. Be present: Conflicts intensify in relationships because we hardly live in the present moment. When you lose yourself in a fight, you are definitely not present. If you are present in the Now, you cannot lose yourself in a fight. You feel the need to attack and criticize your partner because your thoughts have taken over you. When you feel the need to attack, anchor yourself in the present moment by focusing on your breath – breathe in and breathe out, and be aware you are doing that. This would stop you from giving power to your thoughts and avoid a situation where you ask, “What came over me?”
Unconsciously, you fear being present because it will lead you to your pain. But your presence has power and with that power it is able to dissolve or transmute your pain.
c. True communication is communion: Where is the relationship without communication? If you and your partner are not really communicating then you do not have a relationship but an illusion of one. When you communicate, put aside your mind games and emotional tricks. Your communication should be to commune not to win.
d. Relationship does not offer salvation: When you seek salvation or fulfillment from a relationship, you are likely to suffocate the relationship by being manipulative because of the fear of your partner leaving you. Your being is already complete and so no thing or person can complete you.
If you cannot be at ease with yourself when you are alone, you will seek a relationship to cover up your unease. You can be sure that the unease will then reappear in some other form within the relationship, and you will probably hold your partner responsible for it.
All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself.1
Being at one with your Being is fulfillment. It is therefore not when you have a relationship that you will be fulfilled. It is
when you are fulfilled that you will have a true relationship.
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