Ever since I was a little girl, I remember wanting to sing! Not just sing, I wanted to perform; to be famous, to be up on a stage. I don't even remember if I knew or not whether I was good at it, but if you asked me what I wanted to do the answer was so definite and uninhibited. I would stand on my desk and pretend it was a stage, I broke that. When I broke my brothers crib, I turned it into a runway and made it my place for modeling (I almost forgot that).
When I went to school I sang and performed in choir and picked up the alto sax and never put it down. I sang in talent shows, concert choir, honor choir. I played music in honor band, concert band and marching band. An then one day, in middle school my mom said to me, " what do you want to do when you grow up?". Pbbbbbsssssss (that's me spitting). I told her I want to be a singer. And my mother, a doctor, told me, "that is not realistic, there are too many people trying to do that, they are talented and they do not make it. What else?"
What else? I had never thought what else. And the word "Dentist", fell out of my chipmunk cheeks. My mom was so happy and excited that this was what I "wanted" to be. Backstory: When I was in the first grade, I was running through the hallway on my first day of school, with all of the other kids, and my little brother stuck his foot out. And I fell face first on the pavement and spit out what I thought was little rocks on the floor. That was a piece of my front tooth. Anyone who knows me knows JazmenLand is cheesy, like nonstop smile like I permanently carry a selfie stick and have my entire life.
It scared me, I didn't want to smile. And I didn't feel like myself. I went to the dentist, fixed and smile is back, along with confidence. I thought to myself after being told my first dream was not available, this one is just as motivating. Right?
So I went through high school, still perusing singing and playing in the band, but as an extracurricular. I performed at almost every single event that required music or singing. But I was in the UCSF Doctors academy. And on my way to the college of my dreams?
Don't I look chipper? Not that college was bad, it was an amazing experience, and there I discovered my love for dancing. I participated in the on campus halau Ohana. I fell in love, with the performance. With the lua'u, and the showmanship. With the frantic-ness of getting ready, being beautiful and movement, that tantalized the crowd. I didn't notice at the time but I was being molded.
I picked up a job and dropped out of college, because I wasn't alive or enthused anymore. I spent the next three years a working stiff, trying to find myself. Feeling misplaced and scared to make a move. Until 6 months ago, I went to an audition that was supposed to be for a jingle at K Model and Talent Agency. Upon my arrival I discovered it was for acting and modeling. I auditioned and received a call back. For the next 6 months I attended rather expensive training every other weekend to mold me into showcase worthy material. I felt in my element, performing, Improvising and just showing off my people skills. And to be quite honest it was just fun for me, I didn't think much of it and totally forgot all about the showcase. Meanwhile then I felt it, the urge to quit. And quit I did. 6/16/17 was my last day as a working stiff. I was certain I wanted to pursue something else, public speaking, music, tantric practice, but I still wasn't clear on the next step. So I just focused on tending to myself. Meditation, visualization, masterclasses, bubblebaths, creative career courses, with this showcase just lingering in the background.
I got up that morning, knowing I was going to kill this thing. So I took a bath, meditated, spent 5 minutes telling myself I love myself, and telling myself how great I am. And that day went absolutely amazing. Nothing could have gone better; my commercial was awesome, my runway walk was phenomenal, and I shined and I knew it before anyone could even tell me how well I did. At the end of the showcase, each talent met with every LA agent and manager. And I got great feedback, people really wanted to work with me. I approached the last table. I had put on my resume that I sing, and they asked me to sing. It might have been the hype of it all but I didn't hesitate, and my voice came out so smooth and absolutely perfect. And the look on the agents face... priceless!
Fast forward less than a week later, and I am receiving emails from agents that want to represent me as an actress and wanting me to record demos and send them to send to the music department.
Now, as I said in the title, that shit has gotten real. It feels a little surreal. I gave up on my dream so I thought, almost 10 years ago, but it clutched me without my knowing all of this time. It waited dormant for me to put even a little effort into it's pursuit, even if it was on accident. It told me that I would be back, whether I believed in myself or not. Everything I gained in that ten year period, opened my eyes to the possibilities, that made me realize that I cannot just be one thing. I have too many interests. But the first thing I ever wanted to be held such a strong presence within my being. That little girl dreamed so hard and wished so bad, that my dormant dream woke me up.
I slip into moments of wonder, where I imagine myself looking into the eyes of my child self. I always wondered is she proud of who I have become, and the other day I looked at her and she smiled her cheesy toothless smile at me and looked into my eyes with excitement and approval. They say the thing you want to be when you are little is really what you want to be, because your ego is so small, you have no inhibitions. You dream freely and wildly. And I fell into the part of myself that felt that once before. And now shit is getting real!
Thank you for taking time to be with me,
Love and blessings,
goddessj
