On Kids at Weddings

I came across an article, when I was wondering about the curious case of hotels asking how many children. Perhaps it is a Mandela-like effect, but I don't remember having hotels ask this question a long while back. I think it was just assumed, if you had kids, they would sleep on the floor or the couch, or the second bed (all of them, charlie and the chocolate factory like). So, anyway, an article caught my attention about kids at weddings.

How to Say Kids are Not Invited to Your Wedding

This started as a comment reply, but then I thought, "why the heck am I spending time on this comment on this platform when this could be shared with the hive?"

I think it's funny that the first, out of the gate combative statement is "it's none of your guests business" -- and yet, today's budding nuptial practitioners put up extravagant registries asking for everything from fine china to complete entertainment systems, expecting that we will comply. They expect money with the cards, they expect our help setting up, and of course, they expect us to eat the cost of the sitters all so we can bask in their glorious moment and cheer them on, and yet our family isn't welcome to your event. Of course, the last thing they want to be reminded of is children, which used to be the natural result of these unions instead of the emotional description of the bride and groom.
However, I don't blame the bride and groom for not wanting children at their wedding. When parents fail to take responsibility for their children (and by this I first mean by preparing them to be self-controlled and respectful, and then secondly when the children make mistakes) then you have people like PM (a commenter who lost her candelabra to a rugrat) who expect that children will ruin all good things.
Perhaps it's a perspective that is out of favour these days. But completely contrary to this articles supposition, weddings have almost nothing to do with the bride and groom. Marriage, yes, of course is about the husband and wife, but the wedding is for the community, the family, the friends, to share with them the ritual of union. It is those same people who will keep us encouraged and strong when things get tough in our marriages.

1. It's a Formal Wedding
   Well, gee whiz, that's fancy. Can't have kids there because kids can't behave formally. Again, is this a parenting problem in our culture, or are people simply too uptight to deal with the occasional outside-voice incident? When our kids misbehave (which honestly, is rare - on purpose) we take them outside or downstairs, or anywhere else. If you don't have to moral fortitude to raise your children with discipline, and you don't have the common sense to remove the offending child, yes please keep your children at home for the wedding (and the grocery, and the mall, and anywhere else for that matter.) If you are in the wedding party, clearly you can't parent your kid at the same time, so that is not what we are talking about. "Formal Weddings" are such a modern and narrow concept as to be silly as to their solemnity. Often the most formal weddings are held by the most married Hollywood stars, and businessmen. But if you want stilted and "proper" don't blame it on children when the affair is just as dull and uncomfortable for adults.
2. Limited Space
   Sometimes there's just no space for everyone. If you are paying for all your food and accommodation (as is the modern way) then you absolutely must limit the number of people. This has nothing to do with children, other than recognizing that smaller people take up less space. Now if you'd rather have me leave my kids at home so you can fit one more distant uncle, that's certainly your prerogative. But that's nothing to do with children.
3. All Our Friends Have Kids
   If all your friends have kids, consider hiring a few local teenage girls to watch the kids during the ceremony, and then they can enjoy the party afterwards. Of course, if you're into that cardboard cut-out of a wedding called "formal" this won't work. If you're looking to get smashed, this won't work. But I'm guessing you can guess where I stand on guests getting drunk at weddings (or the bride and groom for that matter). Speaking of...
4. Party Hardy
   Partying hard is for frat boys. If you are getting married at the fraternity, go hog wild. Otherwise, grow up.
5. We're Just Not Fans
   Besides the insulting advice to lie to friends and family about why their children are not invited, this is the closest thing to honesty I see in this article. This is truly the case; some people just don't like kids. I get it. I don't like everyone's kids. I don't even always like my own kids. I think parents do a shoddy job of disciplining their children, because of some poor advice they received through osmosis from their hippy parents or grandparents, namely, that the child is the innocent perfect nature that shouldn't be disturbed, and "hitting" them will only teach them to hit. Jordan Peterson has some great things to say about this in his 12 Rules book. So, again, it's no wonder why there are brides-to-be declaring, "over my dead body" to children being present at their weddings. It's a shame, but it's reality.

The article continues to discuss invitations and how to express them (some in more passive aggressive, and ineffective, ways than others such as writing the name of just the husband and wife for example) - if you are going to go through the rigamarole of dis-inviting someone's children, just say it upfront. It's less embarrassing for everyone.

From a personal perspective, I grew up going to weddings and boogieing on the dance floor at the receptions, and perhaps somewhere, sometime, some bride was secretly seething and giving me and my family dagger eyes. But it's just as likely that those honeymooners who grew up in the 70's and 80's and who were marrying in the 90's weren't used to idyllic fantasies of uninterrupted nuptial bliss - they grew up going to weddings, it was expected. And it also is geographic and cultural matter; if your wedding had a dollar dance because that's just what happens at a wedding (not because you're a hipster who thought it was a chic throwback) you probably had kids at the wedding and the reception. Your wedding tape has identifiable toddler screams. Your VHS camcorder was probably absconded by a toddler at some point. There were no professional photographers, just the brother who liked to take pictures and the sound of a billion "krik krik krik krik"'s followed by gaudy flashes. Those people are likely still together today. The glitz of Hollywood weddings were a distant influence, if they had any influence at all.
And I think that this is the heart of the matter; people today are so used to control that elements outside of their control are annoying, painful, or scary. In our vehicles: Power steering, anti-lock braking, skid control, - all great inventions that give us greater control. Entire houses controlled by our cell phones. Extremely convenient.
I would go on, but my daughter and son have come to say how great a day they've had and to tell me what they've been doing. This is how life is. A little reminder of chaos at a wedding is a good thing.
-gcm