Well, I didn't work at all today. As of yet, I have no idea if I'll be working the rest of the week.
While this is directly related to the lockdown response to COVID-19 in Oregon, it's brought one thing into stark contrast:
I am not the master of my own destiny right now. And to be completely frank, I haven't been for nearly eight years. Maybe more.
Nurture Your Dreams
No doubt we're all familiar with some story where from the start the young protagonist has big dreams. While they don't know how they will come to be, or how much time and effort, or blood, sweat and tears, or the human toll pursuing those dreams will take, they are determined to succeed, no matter the cost.
Then, of course, during the middle act, while the plot can vary, the gist is, the protagonist loses focus, loses their way, crashes hard against the rock of reality, and those dreams either fall to the wayside or their fulfillment looks bleak at best.
If this is a story with a happy ending, and most are, the protagonist picks up those dreams in the third act. Something or someone revives them, validates them, sets the good hero back on their quest. Inevitability, with the lessons learned and the strength received through the trials and hardships faced in pursuit of their dreams, they finally have what it takes to bring them into reality.
I Am The Protagonist Of My Own Story
Now in my middle age, young me is far behind. And with it, most of my dreams. I've tried to keep up with some, but so far, I haven't gotten nearly as far with them as I need to.
In my case, there's always been some kind of roadblock in the way, or another stepping stone to put in place, or goalposts being moved. Just as I think I've arrived, I realize I still have more to go. I'm always on the journey, but never getting there.
Sure, I've learned a lot along the way, but not nearly enough yet to realize my dreams. And I've also wasted a lot of time going in circles, traveling roads that lead nowhere, mainly, because I was trying to appease those I love and to meet their needs above mine or what would actually be the best for all.
If you have your own family, with members who are as strong willed as you with their own sense of how things should be (which don't always match up with your own), you probably know what I mean. You do things to keep the peace.
Unfortunately, in so doing, I tend to get the blame when things don't work out, even though the course taken was not of my choosing. It's tiresome and it's frustrating.
Well, I'm at a point now where enough is enough. I'm not planning anything drastic, mind you, I've just decided it's time for me to go back to doing things my way.
Most Important Yet To Come
I shared this fortune a while back, and at the time, I pretty much mocked it. I still feel my most important work is behind me, but that's not to say there isn't important work still to do. Like securing the future of my family, and as many others who want to come with.
Problem is, I still don't know what that work is, or what it looks like. If it has anything to do with my dreams, it will be realized through my creations that finally get a foothold in the public square, and then inspire others to do something good.
As I said, I don't know what I'm going to do, just that I need to do more than I'm accomplishing now. My wife has told me quite bluntly that I used to not settle for the way things were, or merely accept the status quo. Or course, when I was accomplishing bigger things, she thought I was reaching too far.
Sometimes, you just can't win. And maybe, you don't have to. You can lose the battles and still come on top in the end.
Genuine Talents Lead To Success
I'd like to say creating is my genuine talent. I don't know if that's true, though. I do know I'm good at conceiving ideas, but I tend to falter when it comes to taking those ideas through the entire process to fruition, and then, beyond, to actual success.
However, above all else, I believe my true talent lies in taking something that exists and making it better than it was. I've done this a number of times throughout my life. Sometimes with something I created, which later I improved, or taking over what someone else started, and making it better.
Unfortunately, over the last eight years, I haven't been looking for opportunities to do that. I haven't been looking to improve on anything. I've kind of just been going with the flow, worn out from previous projects, as it were, and trying to fend off having what I did create taken from out from under me again.
If you've ever had the wind knocked out of you, or worse, then you know what I'm talking about. When someone or something takes away all you've worked for, you can't breathe, you can't think, and for several agonizing moments, you're pretty sure the world is ending.
When it doesn't, and life marches on, you either wish the world had ended, wallow in your own self-pity, waste time and energy tilting at windmills, take too much time to recuperate while opportunities and life pass you buy, or you get right back on the horse. While I'm happy to be alive, I think I've managed to experience everything else but getting back on the proverbial horse.
Another genuine talent I have is analyzation. A fault of mine, unfortunately, is over analyzation. The former leads to foresight and possible avenues of action. The latter, paralyzation, stagnation, loss of purpose, and eventually there becomes no point to doing anything because every action is doomed to fail.
I know that. I've known it for a long time. Now, I've become acutely and profoundly intertwined with it because I'm living it.
And I'm tired of it.
Which means I've got a lot of work to do. I need to get out of my own dang way.
Next Decision Delivers Unexpected Happiness
Well, I'm expecting a lot of happiness from this next decision, so for this to be true, it will have to be epic. I can imagine a lot of happiness. So much so, I don't think it's possible for unexpected happiness to occur in this life, except if it comes from an unexpected source, or in an unexpected way. Which means serendipity will be involved, rather than happiness coming through solely my own efforts.
I'm okay with that. I don't need to take all the credit. In fact, it's better if I don't take much at all, because that leads down dark roads, too. It's kind of counterproductive to seek happiness while in it for the recognition and glory. Those elements always seem to be at odds with each other, working at opposites.
Disclaimer: I've had this fortune for months now. I've been saving it for such a life altering occasion, because in reality, my next decision after reading the fortune was to choose what part of my lunch I would eat first. And just so you know, what I ate did not bring me unexpected happiness at all.
Live Long, Open Many Fortune Cookies
No, this doesn't fit with the theme in any practical way, but I do like the idea of living a long time. It might take a while to realize my dreams, so I'll take all the time I can get. However, if I could change anything, it would be the wording of the next part. Rather than live a long time so I can just open many, many fortune cookies, live a long time, long enough to eat many, many fortune cookies is much, much better.
What's My Next Step?
Rekindle my dreams. Some have definitely changed or died out. I'm no longer the young man I once was, and not every dream is worthy, worthwhile, or truly wanted. Wish fulfillment can have its downside, too. The dream doesn't have to be the easiest to obtain, bear the most fruit, or change the world. But the pursuit of it, and then obtaining it, should bring joy. Even if it's hard work, an uphill battle, akin to moving mountains, and dang near impossible.
So, the next step is TBD—to be determined. Which, obviously, means more to come.
'Til then...
...Onward and upward.
Images courtesy of Glen Anthony Albrethsen