"I feel like my life is a big checklist."
Those were the last words I spoke to my girlfriend during one of our calls. True enough. After hanging up, I opened my to-do list app and ticked "Call girlfriend."
Ding!
The sound of a task done. It gives me a dopamine hit, a sense of reward after finishing something. Blindly, it's what keeps me going. The satisfaction of a finished task is a reward in itself. It gives me a high.
I'm an accomplisher. I am reliable. I am a doer.
Those words echo underneath the sound of a ticked item on my checklist.
But in the silence of doing nothing, of looking at overdue tasks, and postponing my commitments, a darker sound echoes inside.
You're lazy. You're a slob. You waste your time.
What have I gotten myself into? I have designed my life into something I thought I wanted. But no matter how hard I try, I can't keep it up. Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to put in more effort? Do I still need to change more parts of me?
At the start of the year, I poured myself into planning everything in my life. I scheduled everything I'd do for the whole year, for each month, in a week, in each day, and even down to the hour.
I've read many self-help books from the previous year and wanted to apply everything I thought was applicable to me. I remember being really satisfied with what I've come up with.
Surely, I'd achieve all my goals with the timeline I've set for myself. Everything was planned out! Right? Right?
The first few weeks were okay. I'd wake up early in the morning and start doing the 10 items on my morning routine. I was "owning my morning." I felt really productive knowing that I'd done so many things even before my day started. The weeks moved forward and then I started to get tired. I couldn't do everything in my morning routine before going to work, which stressed me out. Each day, I tried to catch up on the things I wasn't able to do days prior.
And for several weeks, my life was nothing but catching up on the things I didn't have the time or the energy to do.
I had a full-time job and was in the middle of completing my Master's Degree. I did yoga in the morning and went to the gym at night. I was studying Life Coaching and reading 2 books per month. I journaled every day and wrote blogs for Hive. I was tracking everything in my life: my weight, workouts, focused hours, expenses, and curation earnings. I couldn't start my week or month without doing my regular reflection, planning, and budgeting.
But life has a way of catching up with you.
Our body demands the rest it needs, whether we think we need it or not. And then we're left confused, wondering why we're lying in bed, unable to do the things we wanted to do.
I went through an unwanted reset I didn't ask for but badly needed. Somehow I made it worse by resisting. Instead of climbing out of the hole, I dug out more dirt and made it deeper.
There must be some strategy, some technique, some life hack to get out of this rut and return to working on my countless goals.
I was in denial.
I'm okay. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with me.
But I'm not the same. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I don't get out of the room. What's the point? What's more out there for me? Nothing ever gets done. I don't get anything done.
I know it's just my limiting beliefs screaming loud inside my head. It's not true. Or is it? What do I even believe anymore if I don't believe in myself?
When you reach the bottom, you can either keep on resisting and looking for ways to end it, or you can fully surrender and embrace the truth of your situation.
Facing the truth requires both courage and vulnerability. I accepted my situation, and somehow that made me feel better. I knew something was wrong, and I knew something had to change. It was hard to admit that this wasn't the kind of life that I wanted.
So, I went back to the drawing board. I stripped down my habit trackers, turned off my reminders and alarms, trimmed down my morning routine, dissolved my time blocks, and made my life simpler.
I realized that my To-Do List should not rule my life.
I still believe that life should be spent in pursuit of one's highest potential, but I have come to accept that life should also be enjoyed. Satisfaction and happiness come from contentment with the present moment. We become dissatisfied when we are constantly chasing the next goal, the next travel destination, the next accomplishment, or the next item on our checklist.
When we intentionally accept our current situation, we free ourselves from the tension of wanting more, doing more, and being more.
Rest and gratitude helped me see more clearly the joy of living life free from all the things I needed to do and worry about. There is still so much to do. That will never change. There will still be a checklist, a future goal, a destination, or a problem to solve. But there is so much more to life than those things. We will all die. The universe will end. Everything will be forgotten.
We only have this life, and it'd be a shame to live it as if it was a checklist.
If you find that life has become too complicated and you're drowning in everything you need to accomplish, stop and rest.
Take a second to accept everything as it is. And find something to be grateful for. You will still have a lot of things to do, but you will feel a lot better about your situation.
I've finished my Master's Degree and my Life Coaching Course. I still have a full-time job. I seldom do yoga, but I go to the gym at most three times a week. I still read books almost daily and journal at least once a week. I track a few habits and try to wake up before 7 AM. I still write blogs for Hive and do my curation. I still have my to-do list. I still have my goals and plans. I still fail at accomplishing my tasks a lot. But I am more at peace because I've become more accepting and grateful for the things in my life, and I have given importance to taking deliberate rests.
So, is my life a big checklist? No, my checklist and my ability to accomplish everything on it do not define me and my life.
All photos are mine and were taken during my trip to China years ago.