What coffee might say if it could talk

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I don't often do posts about my own #weekend-engagement concept writing suggestions but I thought this week I'd have a try. I thought about the options and had something really great in mind for the clothing confessions option with images of myself wearing some...well, let's just say, some super fucken embarrassing clothing from back in the day; I even had long hair and...let's just say the images, and memories of those moments, are traumatic to say the least.

I looked at the images and decided that should I post them here I'd probably regret it, or get shamed off the Hive blockchain forever, and so I decided, because I wasn't one hundred percent certain about it, to park that post for (possibly) another time.

I then came across a photo of my brother @tarazkp wearing an item of clothing that I know y'all would get a laugh out of and the evil-older-brother in me thought, fuck it, that's happening! But alas, once again, my sensible side won out and I've put that photo away for some future (blackmail) use. I'm thinking when his crypto holdings reach one million bazillion gazillion dollars at which time I'll blackmail the fuck out of him and take it all.

OK, so what the hell am I going to write about then? I decided on option five: Talking objects.

Someone already stole my idea of writing about a talking vibrator, thanks @goddesseva, and that funny fucker @blanchy stole my talking toilet idea, so with all the good ones taken I decided I'll play it straight and write about * talking coffee cups.*

I don't know how many cups of coffee are consumed in a day but I'd say a lot. Interestingly Finland has the highest consumption...That's right, a country of only five million people or so. America's consumption in comparison? Well under half! So, with so much coffee consumed each day, could you imagine what cups of coffee hear and see? The mind boggles.

So, here's a few things I think cups of coffee might say based on what they see or hear.

The first and second are based around the thousands of hours people around the world spend trying to get the best coffee-selfie of themselves for their social media account:

• For fuck sake, would you just fucken drink me instead of moving me about the table to get the best angle for your Instagram selfie? Twat!

• Hey, that stupid duckface pout you're pulling makes you look like a dick head, just be yourself, it's enough.

This next is based on a serious conversation between two female friends over a coffee:

• He's not worth your time lady. Take ownership and show some self-respect because no, being physically and emotionally abused isn't ok, and no, he doesn't really love you and he's not jut mixed up and confused, he's an asshole.

Here's one around what a coffee says after someone had a failed Tinder date where the woman walked out on him and another about a Tinder date that lasted just a little longer:

• I could have told you putting images of yourself from twenty years ago on your Tinder account wasn't going end well when the date saw you in person! You're a cock-knocker.

• Bro, you can't keep staring at her boobs like that, she knows you're doing it, women be smart like that. It's not going end well, I can tell she'll...well...there you go, she's gone...I told you so.

Here's something coffee might say if it was male:

• Oh yeah, keep drinking baby, every time you take a sip I can see down your top. Mmm, yeah girl, do it, do it some more.

Here's something coffee might say if it was female:

• OMG, like I totes love the way your manly beard rubs on my rim when you sip, oh yeah you rugged, handsome beast of a man, I love it like that on my rim.

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Ok, I think I'll leave it here because my mind is starting it's descent into the gutter and I'm not sure that if I continued I'd be able to arrest the slide.

If you're interested to have a look at the writing suggestions for week one hundred and nine of the #weekend-engagement take a look right here or find the post pinned at the top of the WEEKEND EXPERIENCES community.