Ordering jumbled words and soupy hugs

To my great shame I slept for twelve hours last night, something I don't do often; I've been feeling a little off for a few days and whilst I don't feel sick per se I certainly don't feel normal. Hmm, Is any of us normal and maybe a better question could be, what indeed is normal? Anyway, I don't have the answer so I'll just say I normally wouldn't sleep that long - But I awoke feeling much better and so must have needed the sleep - I even almost, completely totally slept right through; A rarity for me. I feel better today, at least from the tiredness aspect.

I had a blessedly slow day of appointments at work today and wrapped up a dozen or so client phone calls, about the same in emails and a couple of team-member meetings all by 1030 and decided to leave the office and work at the café I go to every day. I didn't intend to do work though, just saying so in case you didn't see through my "work at the café" lie a few lines back.

I came here to do hive things, read posts, respond to comments and generally snoop around for something to curate. I also have my Trezor here and will do some crypto stuff - Don't worry, I'm tethered to my phone, not operating off a public network. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a crypto mover and shaker just a knucklehead who bumbles his way through with the help of my brother and clicks buttons occasionally. Knucklehead style.

Today is raining and quite cool - I like days like this, good sex and soup days some may say I suppose. It's with that in mind, the soup, that I made my order at the café and what a great choice it was. Thai pumpkin soup with chilli and served with home made dark rye toast. The sex part, well that's not for social media folks; That's not my style. So soup.

1430 hive days

As I ate my brunch-soup, [it was really bloody good soup, like a rainy-day soupy-hug] I was perusing posts, maybe even yours, and was thinking about my hive journey since June 13th 2017. Yeah I know, I'm almost about to begin my fifth year! It's funny though as it doesn't feel that long...And also, I can't really remember my life without it and not being a social media guy that's saying something. I prefer the real world over the often-fabricated online version where reality is very rarely depicted in it's true form.

Anyway, hive...

My journey of 1430 days on the blockchain has been interesting to say the least and I've regaled whomever happens to read, scan, glance or look at the pictures of my posts with various aspects of my life. Some has been clear and obvious and some has been veiled, hidden between the lines, seen only by those who see more clearly than others. Having said that, much of what my life is about now, and has been in the past, has no place here, or anywhere online for that matter, other than with those who have shown me a true level of caring, that they deserve to know who I am.

I think, if I was completely open here, most many would be quite judgemental, some possibly reviled, and others would just switch off altogether. I'm just me though, and just as flawed, broken and fallible as you. Yes, you. It comes with being human.

Sometimes people get it though, truly see me, and on extremely rare occasions have contacted me and engaged on a deeper level. It's nice actually, and helps me to see some value in humanity, rather than the ego, hubris and selfishness that tends to define the human race. It's refreshing, and to those people I say thank you - You're why I'm here still.

You're why I'm here still - I'll be honest, I was contemplating taking a break from being online, on hive. I've decided against it, just so you know, but lately I've been thinking a break from the online world would do me some good. I couldn't withdraw from a work-perspective of course, I just mean in my personal life. I felt I had the need to withdraw despite how important writing is to me - Trust me on this, it's very important.

A truth

You may not know this but back some years I spent almost eighteen months writing a book which, when finished, comprised over 440,000 words - It's a story of life, my life to be honest, but set in another time and place with characters being part-fictional and partly drawn from people around me and those I've known over my life. It was a really enjoyable, and cathartic, process and in those lines are so much of me that a person could read that book and know me better than most will ever know me. Of course you'll not see it, no one will. It's printed and hard-cover-bound and sits in my home gatering dust, a guide-book of G-dog so to speak.

Ordering jumbled words

I mention this because I am warming to the idea of writing a book, again.

I've been thinking about my life and whilst it's not been remarkable in any way, I'm not famous and have done nothing amazing or world-changing my life still exists and lately I've been feeling the need to write it down, to leave it for someone to find when I am gone.

As a man with no children, and no hope of any, I guess there's not many people who may want to pick up that book; I'll leave and simply fall into anonymity, get lost in a history full of notable others, you know bikini-clad Instagram influencers and the like [sarcasm folks.] I'm ok with it though, I mean even now, whilst I'm here and alive, I'm not one to take the limelight, to want the attention - A comfortable, simple life is more desirable to me.

Although, if I'm totally honest the lack of a child bothers me. I know parenthood is difficult, all-encompassing, but in my pride and hubris I feel I would have been a good dad - It bothers me that I have no one to pass on my life to; A little person to guide and support, transfer skills, understanding, and ethos...It just bothers me. But I'm a control the controllable kind of guy and so I just push it aside and move along with other things.

So...The book.

I see it as a way to combine myself into a jumble of words that I leave behind on a shelf somewhere gathering dust. Sure, someone may pick it up and flick through it but maybe not...The history of me is, after all, probably not going to be that important in the grand scheme of things. Maybe someone will take it off the shelf and read it on some rainy day whilst eating a warming bowl of soup and maybe, just maybe, something in it may have impact, or may cause that person to pause and contemplate who the author was.

My thoughts around writing this book, more a collection of stories to start I suppose really, lead me to believe that I would have to scale back on my hive time and I was ok with it. I have had a couple of recent events that almost made me come to a dead stop anyway. I have decided that I would miss hive and those personalities I interact with though, that just as the writing of my book will be supportive, cathartic for me, so is hive and so I am here, still. Thank you to those who mean much to me. That's you reading this.

What has this got to do with soup

There's a simple answer...Nothing. Well, maybe only that to me soup on a cold rainy day is like a hug from that one person; You know, that person whose eyes see right through you, whose laughter is like music and for whom you would fight, stand beside, support and whose hug you crave like the air you breathe. Is soup simply soup? Maybe, but not always. Is a hug from that person, even an emotional one, simply a hug? Not on your life!

Me writing is like that hug, but like giving it to myself. The hug. It's pouring myself onto the page so I can see myself more clearly and choose what parts to value and which to revile, lock away and forget. It's seeing myself laid out in a jumble of words that can be ordered. It helps me see the past that the future can be better, different, valuable, honest.

For those of you who read my posts, I mean read them, you will know much about me and my life but you would have had to look closely as most of it lies between the lines; Even then you only have a perception. My book will be clear, it will leave nothing to the imagination and therefore will be extremely private. Who will read it and when? I don't know, however what is certain is that the process of writing it will be as valuable to me as my life itself has been and I think that's what matters. Maybe you'll get to read it.

My four years here have been incredibly valuable to me in ways you'll not understand. Hmm, maybe one or two will, those who have also found it to be the same for them, or who see me clearly. I've posted 1.5 times per day for every single one of the 1430 days I've been here, 2172 posts, and the value I've gained is immeasurable - So, thank you for having me and supporting me...It's kind of like a soupy hug.