Missed

I don't remember the moment in which I came to understand who he was; he was just there and I accepted it without question because something about him felt right, and like it was meant to be. Maybe it was a feeling so intrinsic to my being that I simply knew who he was but didn't have the ability to recall it that early in life. He was always there though and as I grew and developed so did the relationship until one day I realised exactly who he was and could also put a name to him; I called him dad.

The last month has felt a little weird to me as I've been thinking about my dad a lot. He departed only twelve months ago and whilst I'm generally accepting of death, my own and others, I never expected to miss him as much as I do. In truth he departed long before he passed away as he suffered dementia and didn't know who I was towards the end, but he was still there, I could see him, and so he didn't feel gone, until he was.

My dad suffered towards the end, was in pain, and the responsibility fell to me to authorise an increase to his pain medication which would accelerate his demise. He stopped eating on a Friday, fell into a deep and restful sleep and the following Wednesday slipped away. He was in peace and I felt...I'm going to say relieved. Judge me if you like, I'm ok with it. He was no longer in pain and was in a better place I felt.

The usual process began and he was laid to rest a couple weeks later.

It was a terrible time, especially considering on the Friday he fell into that deep sleep I had to have my best friend of twenty two years, my cat Merlin, put down. I'm a stoic sort chap, can be at least, but it wasn't something I coped with very well. But here I am a year later coping I suppose, despite feeling the loss of both quite terribly at some moments.

I've missed my dad a lot lately. There's no real reason why I suppose, I just do. I find myself remembering things from every stage of my life shared with him; from those moments when he was so angry with me for some stupid thing I had done to these good times building Lego, playing or just hanging out with him including one of the most enduring memories I have of him; watching him paint. My dad made his living as an artist and I have several of his works, large ones, hanging in my home and they're a constant reminder. It's nice for me to have that as it makes me feel close to him and brings those memories flooding back.

Dad was a gentle soul, giving and generous; annoyingly for me he never had the ability to see the bad in people and would happily show generosity to his own detriment at times. He was funny and happy for people to laugh at his expense. He was also incredibly intelligent, an amazing orator, key-note speaker, patient teacher and so many other things. He was a good dad and did the best he knew how to in raising his children and being a husband; not perfect of course, but no human is.

Above is a quote by one of my dad's favourite people and I chose it because it sums up how my dad felt towards the end. He would often say, “I have led an amazing life. I have travelled the world, married a beautiful woman and have raised five amazing children. I am happy.” And he indeed was. It's with this in mind I comforted myself in the weeks leading up to, and after, his death. He was content and happy and that makes me happy.

I wrote my dad's eulogy and struggled to find the words that would suitably summarise his entire life and who he was; below is a small portion of it:

Dad was surely the humblest and kindest man a person could be and if only two words could be used to describe him, they would be the words. Humble and kind. His heart was open to all and he was one of those rare people who truly cared about others.

He painted his life with vibrant colours, amazing creativity and with passion. It is something he would wish for each of us and, whilst he is not physically here to guide us, he lives within us all, anyone whose life he touched.

Each day is a blank canvas to be painted the way we wish it to be and dad lived his life around that ethos and his example and lessons helped his children do the same. He would tell us that life is full of twists and turns, but must be celebrated and lived to its full extent.

It is with that in mind, the words I have heard my dad speak so many times and the lessons he taught me through those words and example that I remember him these days. I miss him a lot, more than I thought I would at times, but I know he is not far away, indeed he is everywhere I go because I carry him in my memories.

I don't know what happens after death as I've never died and come back to analyse it - I don't believe that anyone knows to be honest. What I do know is that life is there to be lived, just as my dad has done, and that regret makes for a poor companion. Thinking about my dad's contentment with his life, the way he saw his life at the end, makes me happy and helps me work that little bit harder at my own. It inspires me to follow my own life-ethos, that phrase I end my posts with: Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind.