Bring me to life - A café moment fiction

My heart stopped for that split second right between beats. It was then I knew it was over, the past. It was in that moment between one life-giving beat and the next in which I knew my life had changed, that the past no longer mattered - Just the future. The familiar darkness I felt faded to light sparked by a single glance, a split-second eye contact, eyes that saw through to my core and the brief movement of lips, a shy smile. I was lost, adrift, in the moment but strangely felt I was exactly where I needed to be.

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I said yes though I didn't want to go. Avoiding people had become a habit. I felt out of place; the noise, crowds, strangers. The things I'd done, places I'd been...Society didn't often make sense anymore. I tried, but saying yes then reneging was commonplace. My friend pleaded though. Apparently moral support has value still.

I pulled on my blue jeans and as I buttoned my collared short sleeved shirt looked in the mirror. Getting old, was the thought that came to mind.

I didn't often like looking in the mirror. There was something in my eyes I felt the need to avoid - A past and terrible moments caught up with me each day. The nights were worse, but looking in the mirror ran a close second.

Looking away, I sprayed Polo Sport on my neck, a little Ralph Lauren armour, I thought to myself. The boots were last and I was out the door after a cuddle with my girl - She snuggled into me, gave me a kiss with her little cold pink nose and went back to sleep. Cat's have the best life, I said out loud as I closed the door.

I wasn't going far so I walked, the destination a little underground café-bar that showcased local musicians on Friday nights and comedians Saturdays.

My friend was performing for the first time though I'd heard him sing and play the guitar many times on deployment; he was truly gifted but almost as shy as I was so I hoped he'd not freeze up. I'll admit that I almost turned around and went home a couple times, especially when I saw the line at the door - Strangers and a crowd. Noise. I found courage and approached not willing to let my friend down. My name was on the list at the door so I went straight through and I was in.

I'd found a small table away from the bar out of the glare of the lights - A shadowy place; perfect. My friend did a great show looking like he was born for it. He needed a record label executive to hear him and sometimes they come to this place I'd heard; I hope they were here now because he was at his best.

After the show people mingled. It wasn't a big place but reasonably crowded.

Time to leave, I thought and looked up and then...My heart stopped for that split second right between beats. It was then I knew it was over, the past. It was in that moment between one life-giving beat and the next in which I knew my life had changed, that the past no longer mattered - Just the future.

She was beautiful. She was also looking right at me which unnerved me. That's when she smiled, a shy smile, head tilted to one side hair tumbling down her face and shoulder. That's when my world crashed in on itself.

The moment was broken when the crowd closed in and we lost sight of each other. It was like a light had gone out; I was in darkness. I was an addict starved of my drug of choice the rapture, but then there she was, walking beside my friend, coming this way.

I bro-hugged my buddy and he turned slightly to make way for the most beautiful woman I'd seen in my life to step forward. I felt like a little boy, nervous and totally smitten. I managed to shake her hand in greeting, arranged my face into what I hoped was a handsome smile knowing it was the strange lopsided smirk that passed as my smile and said, "nice to meet you Eléonore."

We sat, the three of us and ordered a drink, whiskey for my friend and two soda's; she wasn't much of a drinker and neither was I. Yes, the word fated came to mind.

She'd come with my friend's sister, a doctor, but she'd been called away so was left alone. We chatted for a while and I was captivated. Captured I guess. Happily.

A little later she made to leave. My heart sank as I could have sat there with her all night however in a moment of brilliance I found the courage to ask if I could walk her to her car. She smiled, again her head tilted a little, so slightly, and she looked me deeply in the eyes for a lingering moment...I'll never forget it. "Thank you," she said, "I'd like that."

We didn't make it to her car.

I've never walked so slowly in my life. We inched forward along the sidewalk, city lights reflecting in the puddles left by a heavy downpour that came as we were in the café-bar. There was light everywhere, Paris is like that. The city of light. It was beautiful, and intimate and enlightening.

She spoke softly, accent easily pronouncing the English words but with a pleasing difference, an inflection she made sound like music.

Now and then I'd catch the scent of her perfume. She smelled like a field of spring flowers, vanilla, the sea and sandalwood. Every now and then she'd raise a hand and grasp her hair, pull it around over her right shoulder and the motion would fill my nostrils with her scent rendering me rather senseless. I'd turn to my left, look at her and smile. She was so beautiful, so intelligent and funny and fragile and fallible although I sensed an underlying sadness, wariness maybe. She seemed open and comfortable and as we walked to her car we chatted and got to know each other.

I'm not sure how we got onto the topic but we were talking about coffee, instant coffee versus barista-made, and I'd just finished a story about a deployment when the later was non-existent and the lengths I went to to get some. She'd laughed so much she stopped walking altogether. I stopped also, just watched her unreservedly laughing, and felt filled with light. Love? I don't know, how could it be? No, it was light, a feeling of lightness and belonging. I felt alive and connected to life.

She stopped laughing moments later and looked up at me shaking her head.

"You're funny." She said it seriously and her hand reached out to rest lightly on my arm.

I smirked. My heart melted. My knees went weak. My heart stopped. My future flashed before my eyes...And then the casual touch ended and we stood there looking at one another, her head tilted up to mine, hand still held up to me but not touching and her smile faded even as her eyes widened, became deeper, dark pools that reflected the City of Light. They drew me in, again I was lost and found. Right where I needed to be and the moment lingered.

Time seemed to stop. There was nothing but that moment, her and I standing on the sidewalk looking into each others eyes. It was mere seconds but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Then a clattering noise broke the moment and we came back from wherever we'd been; lost together somewhere in space and time.

Coffee? She looked up at the small neon sign over my shoulder. The café, the source of the dropped cutlery, looked quaint and the smell of freshly ground coffee was enticing.

We sat talking until the early hours of the morning.

We both had dark corners within us but I felt open to her and able to say things I'd never told another soul. It was like she shone within me and that light to drove away the shadow...She seemed happy to stand with me in the shadows that remained though - she understood - and that's what I loved the most. She cared. I learned much about her also and whilst she was guarded she commented about feeling safe with me, and felt she wanted to be open and honest. I loved that about her.

We drank far too much coffee, probably why we didn't feel tired, and talked all night. It was, well I want to say the best night of my life, but in truth I've had many better since...It was the first night of the rest of my life though and the better nights have all been spent with her.

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I don't know how many times I'd wondered if anything could bring me to life. It bothered me that I felt cold all the time, that I avoided looking at myself in the mirror and that things I did, sanctioned things I was asked to do, and things that had occurred in my life had actually robbed me of life.

I was resigned to deal with it, a lifetime of shadows and shades. It's like I was in the dark looking out at brilliant light but could never reach it. I was alone despite being surrounded with people and had come to accept that. I was working on it, was coming to accept those aspects of myself and that I was ok...Just another incomplete jigsaw puzzle; a flawed human. It was slow going though, until that night.

My life has taken many directions and I wonder if I'd gone left instead of right, backwards instead of forwards how different my life would be. I don't regret much, some sure, but I can't change the past and feel little need to regret it. I wonder though, had I not gone to see my friend sing that night, where my life would be. I may never have met the woman who was so able to bring me to life. That night in the café may never have happened.

We return to that café sometimes, reminisce, hold hands and talk or just sit there together over coffee and in the comfort and safety that one provides the other. Eléonore...Her name means shining light and she has been that and more to me. We stand in the light of our relationship and stand together in the shadow when we need to.

[A fiction]