Bad company

Solitude vivifies; isolation kills.

- Joseph Roux -

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I needed solitude today so I hiked; those who know me well know that's what I do these days - it's one of my go-to methods of finding a centre-point - and some solitude.

There was nothing wrong with me, no more than usual, I just had a pretty rough night. Lack of sleep due to recurring bad dreams are a ubiquitous part of my life but last night was a little more unpleasant than usual. I think it's human nature to have fears and I don't trust those who say they have none, but sometimes those fears bite hard, and not on the neck in a pleasing way. They rip and tear, rend and destroy...And so I woke knowing I'd be bad company and that a hike was needed.

I'd like to say my hike was an enjoyable and relaxing tramp through the pine forest but it wasn't. It was a brutal hike during which I pushed very hard with a fast walk being the slowest I went. Sweat dripped off me and as I double-timed my way along I came closer to the place I sought, that place within me that sometimes feels so elusive. Center. Calm. Peace. Solace. Rest. Acceptance. Release. It has many names.

I found it

I've never had much trouble feeling; I'm a passionate man and I feel things very deeply. That obviously means the good and bad life can bring are deeply felt and whilst I've had much of the latter I've had my share of the former as well.

It's been the darker moments that have taught me more about myself though, who I don't want to be and how I want to be in those brighter moments, how to reach them more readily. I've seen so many people allow those darker moments to define them but in truth I don't believe that should be the case...I think it's those moments that should make one seek the light, to find the good moments and then celebrate them. That way, a person has some light to chase when shadows fall. Maybe this doesn't make sense, but in my mind it makes perfect sense...But I'm just a knucklehead so what do I know? Shadows cast over us all, but it takes light to make shadow...So, light is there too.

Today I deployed hard and the mission was brightness and light and I found it through being in nature, exertion and through finding a central point within.

Lunch and the rest

I packed a little lunch for myself today, a simple meal. I'm fortunate enough to have an on-board fridge/freezer on my four wheel drive and so into it went some left over olive sourdough slices from Christmas day, a few tomatoes, (home grown of course), some cheese, butter, salt and pepper. That's it. After my hike I sat on the tailgate of my truck and made some open cheese and tomato sandwiches - Fear not, I was lavish with the butter because...Well, butter y'all. I sat back and ate listening to the wind in the treetops and the birds do what they do...Eyeing off my sandwich probably. It was the moment I needed.

I drove home, took a shower then figured a nap in my hammock would be the best way to round out the day. That's where the image in this post was taken.

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The beauty

Someone quoted me recently:

"Life is every bit as flawed and broken as we humans are"

It really is...Life bites and again, not always on the neck in a pleasing and tantalising way. Life is life though and if you're alive, reading this, then you're in it. You're in what is the sum and total of your life. This is all there is. For me...Well, shadows have fallen across my life and darkened it and will again...But...

The person followed it up with:

...and it's also every bit as beautiful as we are.

She's right...It is and we are. Beautiful.

All of our moments form the total picture right? I often refer to myself as a jigsaw with missing pieces; some have fallen and been left behind, some don't fit anymore and some...Well, some I replace and hold there that I don't lose them again. I also cast away pieces little by little.

I believe it's up to us, the individual, to take ownership of oneself and, whilst a little help is always welcome, we're ultimately responsible for our thoughts, attitudes and actions. I apply this to myself of course, and at times...Yeah, I know I'm bad company. I hold myself apart at these times, where possible, but the thing is that I can't remove myself from myself and so I have to deal with it...I take ownership and responsibility. I have to watch my own back...I think one of my favourite bands defines it best...G-dog, I got your six.

I hope y'all are well, that you're weaving colourful threads into your life-tapestry and that you got your own six - If you're ok you can help others be ok too.