"Thanks for having me over, I had fun. Gotta go home and pass out...I work in the morning. "
She nodded and smiled, leaning on the door. "I had fun too. You wanna come by tomorrow night and watch some more?"
"Sure! I'm in for watching the rest. Always glad to subject more people to Blackadder...so long as you're still interested." She nodded enthusiastically. I waved as she closed the door.
She seemed interested! I leapt down the stairs, taking them in twos and threes.
She seemed interested! I drove home in the dark, the halos of the streetlights pushing back the night. The streaks of light as I passed beneath them pulsed in tune with "Brown Eyed Girl".
She seemed interested! I danced very badly through the front door and missed the bowl I kept my keys in. My roomate scowled. Their kid was asleep upstairs. "Oh, hey. How'd it go?"
"Oh, it...she, uh...she seemed interested, I think." He nodded, obviously unimpressed. Between mouthfuls of sandwich he sized me up.
"She seemed interested...huh. Did you kiss her?" My eyes dropping to the floor was answer enough. "Ah. Well. I'm sure it went fine." Standing, he took his plate to the kitchen. I made my way upstairs quietly to avoid waking their baby or answering any further questions.
She seemed interested? Who was I kidding. Why would she be any different from any other woman I'd seen in a subway car, or met in a class and immediately fell in love with? I always wait too long or say something too soon. Or probably I'm too ugly. What, just because she seems to like being around me, just because we like the same things, does that mean she's gonna want me to mash my face against hers? Nope. I gotta stop. I build everything up until it's life or death. I pin all my hopes on the tiniest glimmer. Why do I do this? Why punish myself? I sat down at my computer. It was late and I needed to get up early, but I needed a moment to unwind. Why didn't I at least try to kiss her?
She wasn't online. What was the worst that could happen? You'd be slightly...ok, severely, embarrassed, sure...but it would be a settled question, at least. It wouldn't be this constant weight. Why didn't I at least try!? I pulled her up in the messenger.
"Why didn't I try to kiss you?" Delete.
"Hey, had fun! Let's kiss next time." Delete.
"I want to kiss you, thoughts?" Delete.
Ok, stop. Just...stop.
"So, I made it back! Now to bring the passing out to fruition." Send.
Good. Nice. Noncommittal. Safe. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Why didn't I kiss her?
"Oh, and sorry I'm such a coward, heh...I am trying very hard to work up the confidence to kiss you at some point. See ya tomorrow!" Hesitate. Delete. Damn it. Hesitate. Rewrite. Delete. Rewrite. Send.
I stared at the screen. Damn it. Either way it was out of my hands. Damn it.
When I woke up there was a response. I didn't read it.
How could I have been so stupid. I just made it so awkward. I'm going to show up tonight and she's gonna be all quiet. Or, worse, she'll just act like it never happened. She probably played it off as a joke.
I was at work. I didn't read it.
Wait, no. Idiot. She's not even gonna let you in. Do you really think you can just drop a bomb like that in an IM with no repercussions? There is not gonna be another night watching Blackadder. She probably told you she had other plans.
I was at the bottom of her stairs. I didn't read it.
Look, you're out of time. Read it. I didn't read it.
She's right up there. Read it. I didn't read it.
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Aren't you tired of this? You need to know. Read it. Read it. Read it, damn it.
I leapt up the stairs, taking them in twos and threes.
This was inspired by this track:
