My family relationships have been messing with my head lately. My ex-husband who spent twenty-five years hating me and broadcasting his hate to our mutual son and everyone else we knew - and we had worked together so it was many of our mutual friends in the middle - has called me upon the recent death of my favorite aunt to tell me he is sorry, and he doesn't hate me or anyone else any more. He trangendered about five years ago and the gyst of our conversation is that in the process of being able to identify outside as he alwasy did inside he is without anger and hatred. This is messing with me even more than the death of my aunt who made sure my life was full of love since I was born. There are so many times I have wanted to communicate with him, to share things and I could never let myself because my son told me if he even mentioned my name to his Dad he'd have a screaming raging fit. All of a sudden I can let those things filter back in. Unfortunately I am still too afraid to do so because I don't want him to change his mind and mess with our son's head any more. But I am feeling less negativity from the universe now that I know the guy - er, woman - isn't sticking pins in voodoo dolls and wishing me death and disaster any longer. I did some of the most self-destructive and shameful things I have EVER done to get out of our relationship twenty-five years ago. I couldn't just leave, I had to debase myself so doing things I couldn't look at myself in the mirror after doing them to make myself let go. I was angry pissing away the investment into us I had made for twelve years, but it was destroying me and I had to leave. I am trying to 'normalize' my relationship with my transgendered ex-husband but what does that look like anyway? What is normal for exes, let alone trangendered ones...And we are celebrating my aunt's life in ten days so I am full of memories of her too...
