Last blog I was working towards going off grid. I went from having a shell to us to build to not having it, to not even being able to build. That is the latest news. Yeah...
I am drained of resources and my body is shutting down on me. I struggle to eat, I wait till my body has no choice to accept food and then feel like puking. I tries eating a bagel this morning with just butter on it and it was hard to eat half. I keep getting head aches and I could sleep forever.
I see myself having to go on social aid for help, but I can't do that because I am still "living" in the same house as he is. He fights with me, conversations that are aimed to attack and make him feel like the victim, feeling like he has to pay for everything. Hey buddy! You stopped me from working, I tried in many ways but nothing made you happy. I don't have a place to live if I am not here, I don't even have a fucking bed.
I have been looking at apartments, 2 bedroom apartments is what is the most available. I have 3 kids, 1 boy 2 girls and you have to give your first born to pay for first and last. There are very few 3 bedrooms that are even more expensive, nothing bigger and nothing cheaper. The bigger thats available the farther away it is. How does that work for the kids when it comes to shared custody and schooling?
Ya I am still figuring things out, I'm stressed as hell and I am still sleeping in the camper in the backyard. Note: the kids are still sleeping in the house as they are in their beds, yes every now and then they sleep in the small camper but they fight for room.
I have a lawyer, I can only meet with him next Thursday over the phone. I am waiting for an appointment with the bank to see if I can fight for the house because here mortgages are cheaper than rent. But then there's the part of having to buy him out... with what money???
You know, I really thought I knew what I was doing when it came to getting married and having a family. I thought breaking up would be the hardest part to do but it's not. It's after. Where the person you used to love so much and trusted, the person that is suppose to know you, all of you, turns on you. You become that bug that he is so eager to crush. And the sad part is the kids. I told him, I told the marriage councilor, I told everyone that I need to make sure he is ok in all this because after all, he is still the father of my kids and if he isn't ok, neither are my kids. And he could care less for me. That hurts, what he thinks of me now hurts, how he thinks I could live, where I could live hurts. I wont mention what he thinks is ok for me to live in. Let's just say it would result in the kids being taken away from me, and maybe that's his plan.
I know it hasn't been going good for a long time, a really long time and even though things happened, things were said, I still didn't loose complete respect even though it was rough and painful.
I can't expect people to be like me, I can't expect for people to think like me, I can't expect people to do things like me. I just want peace and fairness. That is harder to ask for than you think.
I wish this blog would have given some exciting news, I wish I could be saying that I have the roof built on my house off-grid. I wish I could lead things being happy and in the process of healing with the kids. I am so far away from that, so far it is laughable.
I really shot myself in the foot with this one and there are no do-overs.
